The Age of Absurd Offers: Discover Everything You Need and Will Never Need

We are entering the season of crazy offers that will take us all the way to Christmas, where I guess everything will be expensive enough to compensate for today’s discounts. The competition to offer all sorts of products at the lowest price gives birth to huge listings of things that we don’t need at all, at prices that make us rethink whether they might after all be useful to us. After digging through Amazon Prime Big Deal Days deals and Autumn Savings from Temu and Shein, true to my commitment to common good and public service, I’ve put together this stupid shopping guide of absurd things you don’t need now, nor will you ever need, but that you won’t be able to resist anyway.

Lekue Microwave Popcorn Popper: It is a silicone cup with a lid. If you didn’t think it was possible to create something original consisting of a silicone cup with a lid, I dare you to say it after finding out that to design it, a scientific investigation into “the best way to cook popcorn” was carried out! They probably should have asked any old farmer. The manufacturers promise that “more than 90 percent of popcorn kernels pop into popcorn,” but they don’t clarify my main racial issue here: whether that 90 percent of popped popcorn eventually comes out white or black. I hold the record for 100 percent popped, by tossing a microwave pack into the fireplace, but unless you open your mouth and get lucky, it’s almost impossible to catch them on the fly before they burn.

LAUNCH CRP123E V2.0 OBD2 Car Diagnostics: Interesting if you wanted to be a mechanic as a child. This very complicated piece of junk will help you remember why you were not.

RIENOK Waterproof Portable Bluetooth Speaker: I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone to invent an underwater speaker. When the winter cold sets in, I always miss diving to the bottom of the sea to listen to music.

Spooky 3D Clown Illusion Doormat: Hilarious hyperrealistic doormat that will make visitors tremble with fear. Note: it is funny for the first 10 seconds after installation.

RENPHO Leg Massager: No device should replace a dog eager to go for a walk, obsessively beating you with its tail while you try to watch TV.

Garmin 010-12883-00 HRM-Dual Heart Rate Monitor: The only difference between wearing it and not wearing it is that the strap alerts you when you’re about to die, so you can spend your last five minutes of life suffering with the knowledge that you’re about to camp out at the cemetery.

Bosch Professional table saw: Bad for cutting juice oranges. Works best displayed in the living room as a piece of contemporary art.

2024 Handcrafted Wooden Ninja Duel Game: Very entertaining game trending on social networks. Each participant blows up a balloon, and hooks it with great difficulty to some small boards, just in time for the other player to prick it with a pin, and then the game starts over and consists mainly of blowing up another balloon. In my opinion, you can play just as well without the Ninja Duel Game.

Mini Anti-Snoring Device: It’s two little plastic cones or something similar that you have to insert into both nostrils. I have tried it, and there is no chance of me snoring, because there is no chance of me falling asleep with that shit stuck up my nose.

BRITA MAXTRA PRO All in One Water Filter: The manufacturer says that water filtered with this thing has a “better taste.” I don’t understand how something with no taste can have “better taste.” Maybe I need to install the filter in my brain.

100-Pack Heavy-Duty Cable Ties Set: One of the keys to crazy fall deals is quantity. New consumers love quantity, regardless of the product. Maybe that’s why I’ve had a 100-pack heavy-duty cable ties set at home for months now, and all I’ve done with them is say hello to them every morning and scratch them behind the catch before I go to bed.

1pc Silica Gel Jaw Exerciser: This device is for you to bite, making you look like an idiot. It is marketed to idiots because the manufacturer says that anyone with a stupid face, after biting, gets a normal face.

Intex 28426EX Inflatable Spa: Having a spa is now within everyone’s reach, says the advertiser. The problem is that instead of a spa, they have invented the usual plastic paddling pool decorated like my grandmother’s favorite dressing gown.

FEANDREA Cat Tree: All our lives we have planted trees in the garden to try to get them to bear fruit. The great novelty in this — I may have read the instructions too fast — tree is that you plant it, and it bears cats. It’s the ideal gift for feminist spinsters.

EcoFlow Portable Power Station: The manufacturer’s fundamental problem is that they have created a power generator that is EXACTLY THE SAME as my air fryer (don’t ask me what the hell I have an air fryer for). Now I have to put colored stickers on them both to distinguish between them, because yesterday, after half an hour inside the generator, my croquettes came out with grungy batter, and electric sparks went off with every bite.

Natural Geode Agate Cave Crystal: Its outer appearance is that of a simple stone, but if you break it with the help of a small hammer, you will discover with astonishment that its inner appearance is that of a simple stone. 

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