Is the Cure to Male Loneliness Being a Contestant on 'The Golden Bachelorette'?

Would it surprise you to learn that in this week’s episode of The Golden Bachelorette, Gary cried, Charles somehow managed to win over more hearts, and we got a great view of Jonathan’s ass? I hope not because that’s exactly what happened.

This week's group date might go down as one of the best group dates in the franchise’s history. ABC brought in the original Chippendales dancers (working to unionize btw!) to teach the men how to strip tease and help them put on a performance in front of a live audience. When I wasn’t giggling or legitimately impressed by some of these 60+-year-old men’s abs, I found myself pleasantly scandalized by their dance moves on top of dear Joan. As Gary said, “I’m doing my little butt thing for them” and as Chock said, "Ladies like the tush.” Yes. Correct.

But anytime we got too giddy about the silly striptease, we were reminded that these men were being slutty for an important cause: cancer. Cancer and the grief it causes are the underlying tension of the show because, unlike The Bachelorette/Bachelor, there's no one really there for the wrong reasons. Sure, some of the men seem a bit more interested in the grill set up at the mansion, but there's no one sabotaging other contestants for screen time or telling lies behind the others' backs. The majority of the tension is Joan’s inability to be vulnerable, but that's due to the grief from watching her late husband die of cancer. So, like I said, cancer is the main tension. The men also maybe love each other too much (the perfect amount) but more on that later. 

The one-on-ones were with Jordan and Guy, two men who've made it easy for me to scroll on my phone when they’re on camera. That sort of changed with Jordan during his date with Joan. I’ve never seen a 61-year-old man possess such 27-year-old energy. It’s not that he’s immature or anything, he just exudes the aura of someone who wears a hoodie. But after an ice skating date and private concert on the rink from REO Speedwagon, I felt more endeared to him. Guy on the other hand just doesn’t have “it,” plus he can’t cook! Boring! But they both got roses…

The big drama of the week was that Chock’s terminally ill mother passed away. Right after Joan said she could see a future with him, he tells her he has to leave. Future cut short! When Chock tells the boys about his mom they all start crying and say they will pray for his family and I also start crying and decide I, too, will pick up prayer. Joan is legitimately bummed and so am I! Chock is clearly the frontrunner. But, thankfully, because this season is allergic to stressors of any kind, Chock shows back up a few days later at cocktail hour. Chock whiplash! The return of Chock! Chock hive rise up! My prayers were answered (they were for him to come back). 

Throughout the week, TikTok's shown me the men hanging out in the pool, dancing on the kickball field, and participating in viral lip-syncs. Perhaps it's all for show and I’m being run through the gullible machine but it seems like this batch of contestants really do enjoy one another's company. So far, the most tension in the mansion has been Pascal asking some of them to do chores for him. But he pays! So no one's really that tense about it. 

At the end of the episode, as those who didn’t receive a rose (Gary, Charles, Gil, Dan) were giving their exit interviews, Dan cried while describing the camaraderie in the house. “I’m a little choked up because I’ll miss everybody. I live alone, and living with a group of brothers is pretty cool. I’ll miss that.” Then to make my face even more blotchy with tears, my sweet prince Charles says that he came searching for love, but left with “a different form of love” after spending so much time with his new friends. 

While I am not sure I will ever forgive Joan and the producers for removing Charles from my television screen and keeping a guy named “Guy” (with about as much personality as the name offers)—I legitimately feel grateful to be witnessing the friendship between these men. No offense to Joan, who I am fond of but hardly captivated by, but I would just watch these guys give each other cooking and Tai chi lessons for four more weeks. (Joan can pop by whenever she wants to show off her gown and take them on a helicopter ride.) Right now, this show is all about the dudes and their special bond. Men’s. Friendships. Matter!!!!!