This Week's 'Golden Bachelorette' Was Blessed With the Gift of Terrible Song

This week’s episode of The Golden Bachelorette had it all—competition, horses, prayer, and an original song by Kim, a man with a terrifying sense of earnestness. Most importantly, we finally got a bit of a break in Joan's put-together facade, which previously made it hard for me to “get” what her “thing” is other than being from Maryland (Go Terps!). But before we get to her revelation let's review what led to her emotional breakthrough.

Joan’s first one-on-one date is with Pascal, who I wrongly thought would be this season's villain. Turns out Pascal isn’t only charming Joan, but has charmed the men of the house to cook for him and do his laundry. What he lacks in domestic skills, he makes up for in his mastery of the art of persuasion. Joan and Parisian Pascal have a tasteful, understated date where they travel by convertible and then private jet to Las Vegas, where they try on flashy outfits as a piano player awkwardly hangs out in the room with them only sometimes playing the piano. The King of Las Vegas, Wayne Newton, shows up and everyone is blinded by his solid white veneers. The mood has been appropriately set for Pascal to admit that he had a difficult childhood and did not speak any English when he first moved to America. This is enough for Joan to kiss him and give him a rose. 

Meanwhile, no one is sleeping well in the mansion, so Charles L. and Gary, being the gemstones of love and kindness that they are, go to a pharmacy to get some melatonin for the boys. Along with looking out for the sleep health of his friends, Charles L. sat down to ask Dr. Guy—an emergency room doctor—some lingering questions about his late wife’s health and ends up getting the closure his pure heart and soul deserves. When he shares this breakthrough with Joan post-kickball game (that he helped his team win!!), he says the quote of the episode, which I would love to have framed above my bed: “Life, you know, sometimes you never know why it happened, what it happened, but it just happened.” Literally, yes. 

Speaking of framed quotes, behind the scenes during most of the episode, Joan is dealing with her 92-year-old mother's failing health. And Gary writes a prayer for Joan’s sick mother, frames it, and gives it to her as a present in a genuinely touching moment.

Later, while on a one-on-one date with Jonathan, who somehow gets more handsome each time he's on screen, she's noticeably distant, and not just because they're on wandering horses who don’t want to stride beside one another. Jonathan recounts how his wife asked him for a divorce out of the blue (waiting to hear the ex-wife’s version of this story, of course) and while Joan is incredibly touched by his vulnerability, she realizes that SHE is actually not being that vulnerable with these men who are addicted to tearing up while talking to her. She decides she must sit down and tell the men this. Also Gerry Turner, fresh off his three-month marriage and subsequent divorce from Theresa, swings by the mansion to impart wisdom to Joan that she should open her heart more. Thanks, Gerry. You are so tan. 

The men, bruised physically from the kickball group date and emotionally from both a lack of sleep and the notion of “group dates,” gather around as she tearfully explains that her mom isn’t doing so hot, that she will always reserve space in her heart for her late husband, and that she has been closed off. The men solemnly nod and then take it upon themselves to cheer her up. The most notable of which is Kim and Guy singing a song that Kim wrote and tried to loop all the men into singing earlier in the episode. “We are the mansion men,” he sang with zero sense of irony. Gary, in an act of alpha male nobility that shot him up so high on my personal rankings, kindly told Kim his song fucking sucked and that they would not be singing it with him. Joan sat awkwardly on the couch as Kim and Guy sang her the song before sending Kim (and CK and Gregg) home.

As forced as Joan’s revelation was (alas we are watching reality TV!) it couldn’t have been better timed. I’ve really liked Joan but I haven’t been able to really get to know Joan. She’s been a receptacle to these men’s stories of grief and loss. Her to-camera confessions have been ready-made and not particularly illuminating as to who she is. But her ability to name that her tendency to be the caretaker and the “strong one” is what causes her to push down a lot of her own needs was very relatable! I think she's carrying not only a lot of pressure to find love but also the pressure to give hope to women watching who also want to find love later in life. It's a lot! And it's unfortunately more than a song about living in a mansion with other men can cure (sorry, Kim).