Stop Saying That: This Man Keeps Calling His Sneakers ‘Best In Class’

If you’re looking for your daily dose of outrage, then you’re going to want to read about the truly unconscionable and unhinged story that’s currently unfolding at a dinner party in San Antonio, Texas: This man keeps calling his sneakers “best in class” as if that’s something people ever say about sneakers.

Seriously dude, you’ve got to stop saying that. That is not a good way to talk about shoes.

About ten minutes into a dinner with some of his friends from work, 31-year-old copywriter Evan Sonnenfeld put his entire leg on the table and pointed to his new Scarpa Mojito sneakers. “That’s right everyone, these are genuine Scarpas. Best in class,” Evan told his bewildered coworkers as if they were supposed to know what Scarpa was, or what it means for a pair of sneakers to be “best in class.” His friends all nodded politely and said that the sneakers looked cool, but instead of dropping the subject and talking about something normal, Evan continued to go on about his sneakers were “unrivaled in all categories” and “received top ranks in their family” as if anyone else thinks about shoes that way.

He’s got to know that talking like this is completely alienating to everyone around him, right? It’s such a strange way to describe sneakers.

“Everyone’s been trying to change the subject so that we don’t have to listen to Evan talk about his stupid shoes, but he keeps saying things like, ‘the Scarpas have been stress-tested for peak dynamics, which makes them best in class,’ and, ‘these babies are made from the same best-in-class materials the army uses to make their most dangerous uniforms,’” said Evan’s work friend Rosa Cameron, one of the eight unfortunate souls doomed to spend their entire evening listening to this maniac talk about his shoes in the most wild way imaginable. “At one point he even said his sneakers were ‘more like a ticket to the big show than a pair of shoes.’ He didn’t say what the big show was. He didn’t explain anything. No decent person talk about their sneakers this way, and quite frankly I’m starting to get scared.”

There’s no way to sugarcoat it: this situation is completely fucked and it needs to be defused as soon as possible. The more time Evan spends describing his shoes with phrases like “best in class” and other depraved nonsense, the more miserable everyone around him becomes. Here’s hoping someone is able to change the subject soon or at least get him to start talking about sneakers like a normal person before he traumatizes all his friends for the rest of their lives.