My partner’s cheated – how do I break up without HATING him?

JUST as we were coming to terms with the recent break-up of Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury amid, according to him “false allegations” he’d cheated on his fiancée, news broke that J.Lo and Ben Affleck were divorcing, a mere two years after tying the knot. 

While it’s typical for a split to be filled with anger and resentment, imagine a break-up where both parties are kind and respectful.

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Think Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin with their “conscious uncoupling” of 2014, or Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth, who were “moving forward with deep love” after ending their 12-year marriage in 2023.

Likewise, last month, Martine McCutcheon revealed she’d accepted husband Jack McManus’ decision that it was best for them to split.

While an amicable break-up like theirs, is a calmer way to draw a line, it’s easier said than done. 

“It may be harder to come to the point of deciding to part when it’s nobody’s fault,” says Heather Garbutt, relationship and conscious-uncoupling coach.

“You just want different things in life or have grown apart. Often it’s brought about by the end of a stage of life, like when the children have grown up or when somebody in the family dies, and people start questioning if they’re living their full life.” 

Parting ways agreeably is still possible when there is resentment, too.

“When a break-up is amicable, both parties are likely to work on separating well, understanding each other’s feelings, communicating, working out fair distribution of assets and holding their children’s interests at heart as parents together,” explains Heather.

Here’s how…

Talk to each other

If you’re hoping to end the relationship amicably, have a conversation, uninterrupted and in private.

“You might choose to let them know in advance that you want to have a talk about the future,” recommends Heather.

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Communication is imperative if you want to end a relationship well[/caption]

“Phrase it like: ‘For me, our relationship has run its course. I really value all the great times we have shared together in the past and wouldn’t change anything, but I don’t think we want the same things from life any more’.” 

When there’s resentment – even hatred – or if your partner has done something wrong, you can still let go peacefully.

“If they have been untrustworthy, either physically or emotionally, you could ask them why they have done what they have done, rather than blame and shame,” says Heather.

“If you’re hating them, it’s likely that you will have gone beyond trust. In that context, it’s better to say: ‘I no longer love and trust you, so I’m ending our relationship’. Don’t get into being argued out of it – the rights and wrongs of who did what, where and when.”

Find forgiveness

Forgiving can help you move on with a clear mind if your partner has hurt you.

Research has found that forgiveness actually improves overall wellbeing and mental health.*

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Forgiving your partner makes the split easier[/caption]

“You can forgive somebody when you understand the reasons behind what they did, especially if it was more about them than about their feelings for you,” says Heather.

For example, could you forgive a cheating partner if they told you they were feeling insecure and unloved – and it was not because they didn’t want you?

“You will need to search your own soul about how you may have contributed to the lack of authenticity in the relationship, even if just the smallest amount,” Heather says.

She suggests asking yourself questions, including: “How many times have I avoided a difficult conversation around a conflict, shamed or blamed the other person, rather than taking responsibility?” and “How many times did I fail to speak up when I had a need, not giving my partner a chance to fulfil it?”

Apologising can help you to move on.

“If it’s personal, offensive or abusive, don’t look to forgive them,” says Heather.

“The emphasis here would be on forgiving yourself and growing from the experience, so that you never go through that again.”

Act like a grown-up 

An amicable split can still trigger hurt, and Heather says it’s possible that feelings from negative childhood experiences may subconsciously drive reactions and behaviour, such as rejection or separation anxiety.

“We are not likely to be very calm during separation, because it brings up all of our childhood feelings of attachment,” she explains.

“The fight and flight parts of us often show up in nasty divorces, expensive battles in court and acrimonious break-ups.”

It’s wise to take time away from conversations if emotions get high.

Regularly check in with your feelings and needs, perhaps by using a journal, so you don’t lose sight of your focus.

“When you’re feeling something strongly, identify if this comes from a particular memory from when you were young – you can then choose more clearly to think and act from a more grown-up part of you,” says Heather.

Divide and conquer 

It’s important to be as fair as possible when it comes to dividing assets if you want things to stay amicable.

Arrange a formal meeting and make a list of them all.

“Start to itemise what you would like, using words such as: ‘In an ideal world, I would like…’, and ask them to do the same,” says Heather.

“If there are things you both want, you may be able to work out a fair exchange.”

It doesn’t have to be decided in one go.

“It’s likely that you will each get upset, so you need time and space to allow your feelings to settle before you negotiate further,” Heather says.

“For goodwill, you may choose to be a bit more generous if it helps things to go more smoothly.”

Set Boundaries To Stay Friends 

Whether it be due to kids, a friendship group, or decades of love, sometimes a life without your ex-partner seems impossible.

“If you want to remain friends, you’ll need to make some new agreements about the boundaries of what you share with each other, what you will do if you have a new partner, such as making sure you tell your ex,” explains Heather.

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If you want to stay friends to your ex, remember to set boundaries[/caption]

Staying friends will depend on how things ended, and also if each of you is clear that it’s over.

“If one of you is holding on to the hope you’ll get back together, friendship can’t really happen,” she says.

“The person with hope will always be pressurising the person who ended it. In that case, it’s better to let go.” 

Ex-partner not playing fair?

It’s unlikely anything you say will make a difference if your ex is being difficult.

“You need to withdraw and not share any feelings with them,” says Heather.

“Be cool and calm and get the support of a good mediator and lawyer.”