'It's like living in a school zone,' says rattled Secret Service agent protecting Trump
MAR-A-LAGO, Fla. – Shortly following a second apparent assassination attempt against former president Donald Trump, secret service agents detailed to him admitted that the looming threat of violence they have to contend with is reminiscent of something only hardened soldiers or young children are usually exposed to.
"It's like living in a school zone," said Special Agent David Radcliff, who has been on the former president’s protective detail for nearly a year. “Frankly, every time I walk out the door, I’m not sure if I’m going to come back alive. What am I, seven years old?”
“Wherever we go now, we assume there’s some loon with a weapon out there,” added his colleague Special Agent Steve Jennings, who has been on protective detail for two years. “We’ve had to stare down the barrels of an AR-15 and an AK-47, all within a few weeks of each other. I thought I was in the United States, not some elementary school.”
“Weapons of war belong on the battlefield and school grounds, but not threatening our innocent billionaires,” said Charlie Kirk, his voice cracking with emotion. “The current administration has done nothing to protect the most vulnerable of our insanely wealthy elite from the dangers spilling over from our public school systems.”
JD Vance, the Republican Party’s vice-presidential candidate, agreed.
“Although I did say that school shootings are a bleak fact of life, these shootings are beyond the pale,” said Vance. “Please do something that does nothing to infringe on literally anyone’s ability to acquire these deadly weapons before it’s too late.”
In response to elevated threats, the former president’s security detail is implementing measures to enhance the odds of survival. The Secret Service has announced that Trump and his family must now conduct regular active shooter drills. In addition, barely trained staff, such as waiters and pool boys at Mar-A-Lago, will be required to carry loaded handguns.
“We’re also going to ask recently retired veterans and kindergarten teachers to walk around the grounds of all Trump properties since they’re familiar with dealing with the stress of combat and/or school zones. Well, those that can afford the$1 million membership fee, that is.”
W.E. Linde (aka Major Crunch) writes a lot. Former military intelligence officer, amateur historian, writer, podcaster. Also likes to talk about pop culture and books on YouTube.