Mother Drunk Enough To Start Listing Names Of Miscarriages

SAN CLEMENTE, CA—Taking a long, full sip of her wine and exclaiming that her children were “miracles,” local mother Jane Donahue was reportedly drunk enough Friday to start listing off the names she’d given to each of her miscarriages. “Boys…boys, I don’t think I ever told you, but you were supposed to have a beautiful, sweet, perfect younger sister named Jennifer…Jennifer Anne,” said the 65-year-old mother of two who, between moans and several refills of her glass, proceeded to list off every pregnancy she’d lost between the years of 1995 and 1997 as her husband, sons, and three other dinner guests sat silently and looked away. “We tried so many times. So many times! There was also supposed to be Mark. And Steven. And Danielle. And even little Fiona. But God said no each and every time!” At press time Donahue could not be reached for comment as she was reportedly vomiting into the half bathroom toilet and naming all the men she could have married who would have probably had stronger sperm than her husband.

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