I’ve slept with 20 married men to get revenge on my cheating hubby – I finally know the reason why he did it
SEEING the snaps of TV presenter Laura Hamilton, 42, enjoying a steamy snog with her married man, I felt a rush of adrenaline.
I didn’t pause to think of James Pettigrew’s estranged wife who is reportedly ‘blindsided’ by the coupling, instead, I imagined how she must be enjoying the heady rush of sex with a man who is divorcing.
I’m a woman who has bedded over 20 married men and I soak up the pent-up passion men in stale relationships have.
Illicit sex is exciting, and to maintain that feeling I always have at least one married lover on the go at a time.
At 56, I didn’t expect my romantic life to turn out like this, but it has evolved into something so satisfying.
Initially, I started having sex with married men after my husband Patrick cheated on me with a work colleague.
I wanted to figure out why he did it and by talking to married men like him who cheat, I now have my answer. He set our marriage on a path to destruction because he mistook their professional relationship for true love.
In my early 20s, I played the field but by 27, I’d met and fallen in love with Patrick, who, coincidentally, I met at work.
We got married when I was 29 and by the time I was 32, we had two children – now 26 and 24.
I thought our marriage was strong and I was utterly blindsided 12 years later when Patrick confessed he’d had a six-week affair with a colleague.
It finished when he could no longer bear the guilt and confessed what he’d done.
He promised he didn’t love her and was still in love with me.
We still had a good sex life, making love at least once a week.
The betrayal made me ill, picturing them together sickened me but I tortured myself by asking him endless questions.
He couldn’t ever properly explain why he did what he had.
My knee-jerk reaction was to end the marriage, but after long talks, we agreed to stay together.
Four red flags your partner is cheating
Private Investigator Aaron Bond from BondRees revealed four warning signs your partner might be cheating
They start to take their phone everywhere with them
In close relationships, it’s normal to know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones, if their phone habits change then they may be hiding something.
Aaron says “If your partner starts changing their passwords, starts taking their phone everywhere with them, even around the house or they become defensive when you ask to use their phone it could be a sign of them not being faithful.”
“You should also look at how they place their phone down when not in use. If they face the phone with the screen facing down, then they could be hiding something.”
They start telling you less about their day
When partners cheat they can start to avoid you, this could be down to them feeling guilty or because it makes it easier for them to lie to you.
“If you feel like your partner has suddenly begun to avoid you and they don’t want to do things with you any more or they stop telling you about their day then this is another red flag.”
“Partners often avoid their spouses or tell them less about their day because cheating can be tough, remembering all of your lies is impossible and it’s an easy way to get caught out,” says Aaron.
Their libido changes
Your partner’s libido can change for a range of reasons so it may not be a sure sign of cheating but it can be a red flag according to Aaron.
Aaron says “Cheaters often have less sex at home because they are cheating, but on occasions, they may also have more sex at home, this is because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You may also find that your partner will start to introduce new things into your sex life that weren’t there before.”
They become negative towards you
Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and to them, it will feel good, this can cause tension and anxiety within themselves which they will need to justify.
“To get rid of the tension they feel inside they will try to convince themselves that you are the problem and they will become critical of you out of nowhere. Maybe you haven’t walked the dog that day, put the dishes away or read a book to your children before bedtime. A small problem like this can now feel like a big deal and if you experience this your partner could be cheating,” warns Aaron.
I think the fact that he confessed made it easier to try to trust him again and he was very willing to have counselling.
But though ostensibly we got back to ‘normal’ after about six months, I certainly couldn’t forget.
One evening, fuelled by a couple of wines, I signed up with married dating website illicit encounters because I wanted to speak to other men to understand their motivation for cheating.
By doing so it would clarify what was going on in Patrick’s head.
Illicit sex is exciting, and to maintain that feeling I always have at least one married lover on the go at a time
Elizabeth
Did his claim that men who have sex with other women yet still love their wives really stack up?
With hindsight, a tiny part of me was looking for a revenge affair and inevitably that’s exactly what happened.
I got chatting to a man called Simon, 49, who owned his own printing company.
After two weeks we met for a drink in a swanky central London bar and not only did I feel an emotional connection but I found him hugely attractive physically.
We talked, and he explained that he cheated because he couldn’t get the sex he wanted at home – his wife was very unadventurous, and it was comfortable rather than sexual.
Those reasons didn’t ring true for me and Patrick, our sex life was still great when he cheated but it soon didn’t matter.
At the end of the evening we were kissing like teenagers and the following week, after telling Patrick I was going out with the girls, I had sex with Simon in a hotel.
The biggest surprise? I didn’t feel guilty – I felt elated.
I carried on seeing Simon for three months but then I ended it, worried that I was getting too attached.
I didn’t feel guilty – I felt elated… When I met a new lover I felt powerful and I gradually came to realise that I was enjoying the revenge of turning the tables
Elizabeth
But I missed the thrill of a new man, feeling so desired and having that excitement in my life was intoxicating.
And so I found a new lover – it’s remarkably easy on these websites, they’re filled with attractive, intelligent, and wealthy men.
Within weeks I’d moved on again and I asked each man I met why he was cheating.
The answers were fairly similar – their wife had become more like a flatmate and they missed feeling attractive, or he felt pushed out by the children.
One man I met said he did it just “because I can”.
I think some really did genuinely love their wives and I have never been found out.
One man took me to the theatre and we enjoyed sex in a private box.
Another had had an affair for 10 years previously and, though he was fond of his ex-mistress, he’d never imagined leaving his wife for her – he wanted to have his cake and eat it.
When I met a new lover I felt powerful and I gradually came to realise that I was enjoying the revenge of turning the tables.
I’m not proud of that.
Though I had no intention of telling Patrick, our marriage suffered.
One man took me to the theatre and we enjoyed sex in a private box
Elizabeth
I admit I poured my energy into the children, my work, and my lovers, in that order.
There was little left for him and he became less attractive to me, being with him felt mundane and boring.
He didn’t even know he was competing with the excitement of new lovers, which made me feel guilty.
After two years and five lovers, I ended our marriage, though I never confessed the real reason, to my shame I told him I couldn’t get past his infidelity.
Although he’d set us on the path to destruction – I admit I contributed far more.
On the surface, I choose these men because it’s about excitement and passion but deep down, it’s also a form of self-defence.
Patrick hurt me so much by cheating that I never wanted to feel that vulnerable again.
Now, I can’t hurt because I don’t want these men to leave their wives.
It was my first lover after my divorce that finally gave me an answer to why Patrick came to cheat, but it didn’t console me.
He said it’s natural to feel a connection with someone who you’re thrown together with at work.
All of a sudden you have the same goals and aims, it becomes all-consuming and can easily be mistaken for more.
And then when it’s over you come back down to earth and see it wasn’t ‘real’, which leads to a confession.
I’ve never fallen in love with my married men – I know that men rarely leave their wives
Elizabeth
I’ve never fallen in love with my married men – I know that men rarely leave their wives.
I don’t want domesticity either, I like living alone, and I enjoy my own space to wind down after work or to slob around at the weekends.
I don’t get lonely either, I have a very active social life and see my children and other family members regularly.
Married men relish my desire to be independent and they’re grateful and considerate lovers because they appreciate me.
On average each one lasts for six months although one I’ve been with for five years but we only see each other every few months due to distance.
We go out for dinners and then make love.
After two years and five lovers, I ended our marriage, though I never confessed the real reason
Elizabeth
I have discovered I like adventurous sex, experimenting in parks, and very light BDSM.
Now, I’m onto my 20th married man and my present lover is Chris – he works in finance and has been married for 30 years.
He has never mentioned his wife in the four months we’ve been seeing each other – he made it clear before we met that it wasn’t a discussion he was prepared to have and I’m fine with that.
I do sometimes feel guilty about the wives, I know how broken I felt when Patrick confessed to his affair.
But men will always find a reason and a way to cheat if they’re that way inclined.
If it wasn’t me it would be someone else and in my defence, I’m not interested in wrecking any marriages.
Additional reporting Claire Dunwell
- Some names have been changed.