No Banana

Recently, there’s been a new nutty banana thing going on for size comparison. Nothing special, yet crazier than batshit crazy, but like most useless trivia, it’s completely insane, or in this scenario, totally bananas. Banana abuse. The frame of reference refers to the size and scale of various objects. The banana’s now what judges in the land of inches or the world of the metric system. A lousy barometer to gauge a particular tropical fruit with anything else. A work of art, a ripe banana duct-taped to a wall in an art gallery, or better yet, some high-class museum. But is it art? Who knows? There’s no reason for it other than that one size fits all. How big is it? Why did the casual observer remove the banana and eat it? They were hungry for art.

The usual small or huge crowd sizes and tiny penis envy. Longing for a long member instead of a tiny unit. But there are distinct varieties and sizes of bananas. Just like penises. Size matters. The plantain and the pint-sized baby banana. What about the cucumber or the zucchini? A minuscule mushroom button-cap dickhead. Let’s not forget their meaty cousins, the kielbasa, the sausage, and the common hot dog. They’re cute, but not that cute. For some reason, aesthetically, a hot dog taped to a wall wouldn’t have the same impact or effects as a banana. I like the idea, but I'm no art critic. We have no bananas. We have no bananas today. It’s no worse than Andres Serrano’s Piss Christ, a crucifix immersed in a sealed jar of urine. There’s nothing to compare with the banana. You might as well tape a dildo to the wall.

The apple is a close number two. The apple’s the classic object of desire and has a ridiculously rich history. Eve tempted Adam with an apple offered by the devil disguised as a serpent. Adam and Eve ate it, and the rest is biblical. They were banished from the Garden of Eden, had to hide their shame with fig leaves, and opened a barbecue joint called Adam’s Rib. So, in a fairy tale, the evil witch of Sleeping Beauty notoriety was into poison fruit. A poison banana wouldn’t work out so well. Take note, using the banana for comparison is like denying the existence of a ruler. But the apple has a varied history. One bad apple spoils the bunch. You bob for apples in an old steel tub full of water. But if you want more bang for your fruity bucks, a horse apple of a different colored tropical fruit. A gnarly beast like a crab apple. The archer uses an apple placed on top of the assistant victim’s head. The target practice bullseye is a cinch by the medieval archer William Tell or a drunken night with William Burroughs and his wife Joan, playing William Tell on Benzedrine.

They both missed their marks. Isaac Newton discovered the nature of gravity when a rotten apple fell from the tree and hit him on the head. Rumor has it that Newton was eating a banana at the time this occurred. I can’t prove or disprove that gravity theory, but he has nothing on Johnny Appleseed, who spread his seeds around like Jesus spreading the word of his holy father. Some ancient guy named God. So how did the banana become the butt of jokes in the world of fruits? Bananas were used exclusively in vaudeville comedy, burlesque skits, and various song lyrics. Harry Belafonte had a 1956 hit song, singing “Day-O.” The Banana Splits Adventure Hour, a 1968 kids’ cartoon TV show. A bunch of stoned freaks in dopey animal costumes smoking banana peels. It was the 1960s.

Then there’s the old-school version of slipping on a banana peel. Whoops! It is a sight-gag slapstick joke that’s only funny if you enjoy watching people accidentally slip on a banana peel. I don’t find it amusing, but it’s a matter of taste. Nobody ever said comedy, much like art, is always pretty. Funny, but is it true art? It’s about as funny as the separation of church and state. There’s an invisible line between religion and politics, but you can’t tell because it doesn’t exist. In reality, the public is duped into believing there’s a difference between good and evil. It’ll drive you bananas trying to make sense of it all, but the truth hurts sometimes.