The Hierarchy of Unavailable Men

There are many men in the world, a few of whom are available: single, geographically accessible, the kind of guy you’d like to have a cup of coffee with or take over a small country together. Yet women and others who like men persist in chasing the unavailable. I’ve compiled a hierarchy of unavailable men, ordered from most unavailable to least, so you can avoid wasting your time.

Don’t attempt to date any of the following:

—Men who are dead. While it’s easy to project our fantasies onto historical figures, dead men are a dead end. One of my first crushes was on Robert F. Kennedy, when I was in third grade. I learned a lot by reading biographies of the Kennedys. It probably inclined me toward becoming a history major and sometimes social studies teacher. But I didn’t succeed in dating the late Attorney General and New York Senator.

—Fictional characters. I have fictional crushes. Petyr Baelish in Game of Thrones. The Sith in The Acolyte. Years ago, I had a crush on the young Luke Skywalker. While these may make for viewing pleasure and an ability to quote series and movies accurately, these too will not yield dates.

—Married leaders of countries that are at war. These men have something over the previous ones in that they exist, but they’re heavily guarded and busy. I wouldn’t waste my time.

—Terrorists, married or single. These people also tend to be heavily guarded, very busy, and you’re likely to get blown up, either by accident or if you get on his nerves.

—Married men.  This is controversial. Many people have had affairs with married men and would argue that they’re available if they make themselves so. A piece of advice: Don’t do it. If you find yourself attracted to a married man, pretend he’s your little brother until you find some other man and can treat him like a person to whom you aren’t attracted. If he’s married, falling in love with him can only lead to suffering. Even if he reciprocates, it’ll end, and it’ll end in tears.

Many married men love the attention of a woman who’s not their wife. No one can be everything to someone, and you may share interests with him that she doesn’t. Or maybe she stopped having sex after the kids (heard that one before) or menopause. Married men want the attention, the thrill, even the companionship that a single woman can provide, but it’s rare they’ll make themselves available, ever. Besides, do you want to be the reason someone’s marriage went to hell? Married men, unless they’re experienced at it, almost always get caught having affairs. You don’t need the drama. Find a single man.

—Your supervisor or anyone you supervise, married or single. If you find you’re attracted to each other in more than just a checking each other out across the conference table, then one of you must leave the company or transfer to another division before you can date. No good can come of an office romance when there’s a supervisory relationship. People get fired for this, people notice (it’s hard to hide) and when it goes bad, you still have to work with the guy.

—Anyone with whom you work closely. This is hard because we spend most of our time at work and many find people who share interests and passions. There may be no company rule against dating if you’re not in a supervisory relationship, but it won’t go well. As with someone you supervise or are supervised by, one of you should leave the company or transfer to another division. Don’t date someone with whom you share a copier.

Note: I didn’t say anything about age differences, race, religion, or geography. While dating a man who lives in a war-torn country seven time zones away may be inconvenient, it can be done, if he’s single and not your supervisor. I’m a fan of intergenerational relationships, and recommend that at least once in your life (if you don’t marry young) date someone who’s 20 years older or 20 years younger.