5 dead, 3 hospitalized after Airmen try MREs on a dare
By As for Class
THE DANGER ZONE — Five Air Force service members have died, and three are in the emergency room after being challenged to try Meals, Ready to Eat (MRE) by a group of Marines.
"I couldn't believe the scene," said Sgt. Chinchilla, the first military police individual to respond. "Some of the Air Force folks were already cold. A couple were shaking and convulsing from the toxic contents they had consumed. Several died on toilets."
The culprits, a group of Marines found on the ground laughing harder than a cackle of hyenas, were caught almost immediately. One of the Marines was so enamored that he urinated himself uncontrollably.
Another had recorded the entire series of events leading up to the 911 call, and she had already begun streaming the video on the barracks wall with a massive projector.
When questioned, Marine Pvt. Shellinger said, "This was the most joy I've ever experienced in the Corps. The Air Force kids tried eating the MREs with forks and knives. And they all used their heaters like a bunch of noobs. One of them ate the pizza MRE and then started to get the shakes. Like, seriously, that's one of the good MREs!"
Still, one lance corporal disagreed with Shellinger’s assertion that the pizza MRE was edible, which quickly led to infighting and the interview being ended abruptly.
The Marines in question have since been arrested and are awaiting nonjudicial punishment for their cruel and unusual punishment.
Officials say the Marines are being charged with hazing, assault, and hurting the Air Force’s feelings — which is the most serious of the three offenses. If found guilty, they will be executed, as everyone knows the Air Force has skin thinner than the F-35’s armor conducting a close air support mission at the same height as a Warthog.
As For Class is a boy named Sue, named Ashley. When he isn’t writing for Duffel Blog he also writes fiction. You can read more at asforclass.com.