Spoiler Alert: The White Sox possess only one existential function, and they’re even failing at that

The South Siders go “full White Sox” in Baltimore and make history. Again

The 2024 Chicago White Sox are so bad, they’re being used by other teams as an adverb.

It’s not a pipe dream anymore; with 22 games remaining, the White Sox have now officially overtaken the 1916 Philadelphia Athletics as the worst team in modern MLB history at this point in the season. I guess that’s more like a pipe nightmare. A pipemare.

The only thing left for the South Siders to accomplish this year was to serve as spoilers and take other competitive teams further from playoff contention.

The Orioles were half a game behind the Yankees for first in the AL East before this game, so we’re helping them to gain some ground on New York. That’s the only positive spin that exists here, and it’s bleak and shameful.

Shame: a feeling every White Sox fan has felt this year.

We’ve commemorated this horrible day and season with a brand new shirt, this time not breaking any copyright laws and able to be sold without any authorities busting down my proverbial door. All proceeds will be sent directly to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Now, it’s time to finally recap this dreaded game.

Nick Nastrini was tonight’s starting pitcher for the South Siders, and his numbers were close to evenly matched with Orioles starter Cade Povich, also a rookie. Recapping this game, it feels preposterous to compare the two. Nastrini was all over the plate, and above it, behind it, perhaps even seeing things we weren’t.

Nastrini surrendered three doubles in the first, giving up three runs. The bullpen phone rang before the first inning was over.

The White Sox neither answered nor delivered, with an advantageous Korey Lee reaching first on an error off the glove of Gunnar Henderson, then getting picked off before he even caught his breath.

In the second, the White Sox surprised even those of us who are accustomed to their cockamamie capers. Henderson stole second after a walk, and Ryan O’Hearn also walked. Then Nastrini threw yet another ball high over Lee’s head, before walking Santander for packed sacks.

The pressure didn’t stop Nastrini from walking in a run, making it 4-0.

Enter Eloy Jiménez, who in typical Eloy fashion watched the bases get walked full and swinging at Nastrini’s first pitch. That’s good, right? In this case, no, as the Big Baby’s corn can floated out to left field and triggered a patently horrible White Sox play.

Yeah, you have to watch it again.

Three runs scored on the error, making it 7-0. Nastrini was pulled for Jared Shuster, and it was reported that Miguel Vargas had suffered an abrasion on his eye.

In the fourth, Shuster notably recorded his fourth strikeout in a row, and then Eloy hit a tapper. On Shuster’s throw to Vaughn, the ball caught Eloy on the ear. Luckily, the slugger survived, and stayed in the game.

The Orioles scored again after Cedric Mullins hit a single into center field, scoring O’Hearn for an eight-run lead.

Every time the White Sox got a hit in tonight’s game, nothing happened. With only five hits off a South Side bat, two belonging to birthday boy Jake Amaya (and all stranded), Povich made it sting. The rookie recorded 10 strikeouts and no walks on a near-complete game performance that would have seemed a dream pregame. Povich drank in a standing ovation as he departed in the eighth.

Jairo Iriarte made his major league debut in the fifth inning to relieve Shuster, and after giving up a two walks and a hit, only allowed one run to cross the plate. The bar for the South Siders is as low as a Lake Michigan high rise’s sea wall.

In the sixth, Grady Sizemore got tossed after fuming to logic-impaired home plate umpire Hunter Wendelstedt, who was awarded the Angel Hernandez Enormous Piece of Shit Player of the Game tonight.

Grady was right; Wendelstedt was squeezing the strike zone in an extreme way.

It was Sizemore’s first ejection, as manger or player, ever. Still Team Grady, all the way.

Andrew Benintendi was ejected right after Sizemore, and Benny left quietly after Wendelstedt took his bat. Zach DeLoach took his place in left field, and contributed to the Keystone Cops embarrassment that continued deep into the game.

In the bottom of the eighth, there was nearly a repeat hit to left field, and this time no one called for the ball, despite it being suspended in the air for about 14 minutes before it dropped. DeLoach, Amaya, and Lenyn Sosa all congregated — just to watch it fall. Little League energy. Get out your bags, South Siders, and make sure you cut an extra large hole, because you’ll be sighing a lot.

In the ninth, I almost launched a Diet Coke at my TV after seeing the ghastly Craig Kimbrel on my screen. I knew he was an Oriole, and I knew we’d probably be seeing him tonight, since his struggling ass would only be threatening to a team like the White Sox, but I was dismally ill-prepared to see his bizarre, ent-like, coat rack cosplaying-ass stance, and I need to bleach my brain of that vision as soon as possible.

The South Siders were shut out, 9-0. I have to say it:

History.

White Sox fans, buy a shirt. Bag your head. Go watch Hard Knocks. You’ve earned it. We’ve witnessed history, yet again.

And it’s not yet over. Not by a long shot.

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Futility Watch

White Sox 2024 Record 31-109, worst 140-game start in White Sox history (13 games worse than the next-worst, 1932 White Sox), worst MLB start all-time and a franchise-worst 78 games below .500
White Sox 2024 Run Differential -310, fifth-worst 140-game start in MLB history and a 2024 season worst
White Sox 2024 Batting WAR -8.4 (through September 2); on pace for -9.8 WAR, just 0.2 WAR better than all-time MLB-worst 1977 Atlanta Braves (10.0)
White Sox 2024 Season Record Pace 36-126 (.221)
All-Time White Sox Record (1901-2024) 9,584-9,599 (.4996)
Race to the Worst “Modern” 162-Game Record (2003 Tigers, 43-119) 7 games worse; need to finish 13-9 to end season 44-118
Race to the Worst “Modern” Record in a 162-Game Season (1962 Mets, 40-120) 5 games worse; need to finish 10-12 to end season 41-121
Race to the Most White Sox Losses (1970, 106) new record set (109 and counting)
Race to the Worst White Sox Record (1932, 52-109-1*) 16 1⁄2 games worse; need to finish season 22-0 to end season 53-109
Race to the Worst American League Record (1916 A’s, 38-124*) 2 games worse; need to finish season 8-14 to finish 39-123
*record adjusted to a 162-game season

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