Why Your Toxic Ex Comes Back When You No Longer Want Them
Ever wonder why that toxic and narcissistic ex-partner kept reaching out to you, long after the relationship had ended? Or why they seemed to make attempts to provoke you after the break-up? Research indicates that there are darker reasons why a toxic or narcissistic ex may reach out, and it’s usually not because they genuinely miss you. Here are some reasons a toxic ex may return when you no longer want anything to do with them, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy.
Continued Access to Your “Benefits”
If an ex reaches out to continue a friendship with you even after they violated you in the relationship by cheating or mistreating you in any way, be wary. Researchers Mogilski and Welling (2017) found that individuals who who had darker personality traits (such as narcissism, psychopathy, and duplicity) tended to stay friends with their exes out of convenience, sex and access to resources. In laymen’s terms? They want to keep using you for their benefit, without any of the commitment, obligation, or consequences, leeching off of you for money, social connections, access to your emotional labor and attentiveness, as well as physical intimacy. Remember, the biochemical bonds we develop with toxic partners can be inexplicably addictive. Sex with a toxic partner only strengthens that bond by releasing oxytocin and dopamine, creating associations between the reward circuits in our brains with our ex-partner, and creating a dopamine high like no other, especially in an “on and off” hot and cold unpredictable relationship. A malignant narcissist knows this on an intuitive level and will use sex to prevent you from “detoxing” properly from the relationship.
Regaining Control Over Your Self-Esteem and Ability to Move Forward
If you left the relationship first, a narcissistic person wants to regain control, and by “returning to the scene of the crime” and potentially ensnaring you back into the same toxic cycle can be one of the ways they do so. Basically, they don’t miss you as a person – they miss the control they had over you. Consider that studies show that narcissistic people tend to stalk and even harass their ex-partners when their victims finally leave them. This is a control tactic to ensure you do not move forward with your life – whether that means moving forward with a new partner or just a happier and healthier future in general. By dangling the carrot of a possible reunion or igniting the hope that they will change for the better (something they refused to do during the actual relationship), they want to lure you back in and punish you for leaving in the first place. If you take the bait, narcissists will often mistreat and devalue you even worse than before, just so they can be the ones to devalue and discard you, have an upper hand in your dynamic, and establish a false sense of superiority.
Creating Love Triangles With Their New Target
Your toxic ex may have seemingly moved onto a new partner, someone who tolerates their toxicity, but that doesn’t mean they want to lose access to you as a source of praise and an ego boost. They want to keep you around as a fallback person for whenever they experience disruptions in their new relationship, and they want to provoke your jealousy and their current partner’s on purpose to maintain power and control, as studies suggest narcissistic and psychopathic partners are prone to doing. If you decide to remain friends with a narcissistic ex, it’s likely they will still use you for emotional labor, attention, and even sex when they need a “break” from their committed relationship. Do not fall for this or believe you are being chased because you’re the one they truly love and the “one that got away” if they claim this. Remember, psychopaths and narcissists tend to be prone to boredom and require constant stimulation and novelty from multiple sources. You are simply another toy to play with. No one wins in this scenario except your toxic ex.