Jeff Burkhart: ‘My therapist says I should apologize’

It was awkward from the get-go. Both women sat staring straight ahead with their hands clasped in their laps. Were they sisters? Or were they friends? They were certainly about the same age. But something told me they weren’t sisters — and maybe not even friends.

Neither was particularly young, nor were they particularly old. Both had designer jeans on, no rips. Both had on tastefully high heels that were not identifiably expensive. There were accessories, but the two women certainly could not be described as accessorized.

The only exact similarity was that both wore an expensive, famous designer watch — by the same designer. In fact, it was the exact same watch in exactly the same color — the kind of expensive gift that one usually doesn’t buy for oneself.

“I’ve been meaning to say something to you,” said the woman with the darker hair.

“Really?” asked the other woman.

I have mentioned before that often people end relationships in bars, thinking perhaps that a public place offers some security. But people often start relationships in bars, too. And sometimes both things happen simultaneously just 2 feet apart.

“Something to drink, ladies?” asked the bartender.

Two of the same chardonnays were ordered, followed by two waters, followed by a request for the waters to come with no ice.

“Could I get a different glass?” asked the dark-haired woman.

“Me too,” replied her guest.

In the game of requests, sometimes the requests are not about fulfillment but rather about one-upmanship. If you want water without ice, I want hot water. If you want bigger wine glasses, I want even bigger wine glasses. If you send your food back, I’m sending mine back, too.

But we had already gotten through all of that. We had covered the “we already ate” part, followed later by a request for bread (and for more butter). We had also been through the “we’re driving” comment, when a proposal for another glass of wine was posited by the service professional.

Ironically, it was a thought that was completely ignored once a random admirer offered to buy the wine. All in all, not that much different than any other night — except for those watches.

“I asked you here to apologize,” said the dark-haired woman eventually.

“Yeah?” asked the blonde woman.

“Yes. I have been feeling pretty guilty about the whole thing. My newest therapist says I should apologize to you, so that is what I am doing.”

“Didn’t any of your other therapists ever tell you that?” asked the blonde.

“Oh sure,” replied the dark-haired woman.

“Several did,” she added.

“And what did you do?”

“I got a different therapist.”

Eventually, the story took shape right before the bartender. The dark-haired woman had slept with her friend’s husband. The irony is that they weren’t friends when it had happened — only afterwards. Their entire friendship was based on that event, which is a strange thing to base a friendship on.

“The guilt has been bothering me. So, I asked you here to formally apologize.”

“For what exactly?” asked the blonde. “For sleeping with my husband? For interfering in my marriage? For destroying my relationship?”

“All of it. I realized that what I did was wrong. And now that we know each other, and are friends, I want you to forgive me for it.”

“I am not sure I can do that,” said the blonde.

“What do you mean? I am apologizing. You have to forgive me.”

“I can accept the fact that you did what you did. And that he did what he did. I can move past it. But I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for it.”

“But you have to.”

“Why?”

“Because it will make me feel better,” said the dark-haired woman.

“But,” retorted the blonde, “That won’t make me feel better.”

And even though the conversation went on for longer, that was the moment when it had really ended.

Leaving me with these thoughts:

• “The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget,” once wrote psychiatrist Thomas Szasz.

• Buying your spouse and your lover the exact same gift is only a good idea if they are the exact same person.

• Things don’t just “happen.” There are many steps along the way where you could have done something differently. You just didn’t.

• Just because you are ready to apologize does not mean that the other person has to be ready to forgive.

• Therapists are a lot like bartenders. If you don’t like the one you have, you can always go find another.

Jeff Burkhart is the author of “Twenty Years Behind Bars: The Spirited Adventures of a Real Bartender, Vol. I and II,” the host of the Barfly Podcast on iTunes (as seen in the NY Times) and an award-winning bartender at a local restaurant. Follow him at jeffburkhart.net and contact him at jeffbarflyIJ@outlook.com