So How Do I Have Phone Sex?

So you have mastered the art of nude-taking and also that of sexting and flirting over text. But what about phone sex?

Certified sexologist Tyomi Morgan says phone sex can be great for couples, whether they are long distance and want to keep their sexual connection strong or they live together and want to spice up their sexual routine. No matter your relationship status, Morgan believes “phone sex is a great way to practice sexual communication and to advocate for one’s needs.” Additionally, she says the act can serve as a means to “strengthen the erotic imagination, creating ease in drawing on memories for self-pleasure in the future.”

“Phone sex is such an amazing way to build anticipation for sex, to keep the spark in relationships alive, and to test the waters on certain fantasies with your partners,” explains Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and resident intimacy expert at 3Fun. “Phone sex is like the world’s hottest imagination game. It gets the mental cogs turning because it is one of the best forms of noncontact foreplay.”

Sociologist, relationship expert, and sexologist Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus shares a similar sentiment. “Our imaginations and our brains are powerful when it comes to sexual arousal,” she says. “There’s such an intimacy and creativity to whispering sexual longings into each other’s ears and visualizing these interactions as if you are participating in them. It’s also a safe and fun way to talk through and ‘experience’ fantasies that might be unrealistic to actually act out.”

Speaking of safety, phone sex is very … well, safe. “Phone sex is one of the least risky forms of sex that exists. From a sexual-health standpoint, there is absolutely zero risk of contracting an STI, and you run very little risk of any kind of recording that can be traced to you — assuming you aren’t using video.” Engle notes that there’s an added layer of emotional safety that comes with the lack of visibility. “In phone sex, there can be a sense of anonymity because you can’t actually see the other person. This can offer greater vulnerability and allow us to really let our freak flags fly.”

Okay, so this all sounds great. But still. You might be wondering, How do you have phone sex? How do you move from saying sexy things over text to saying sexy things aloud? How do you turn a solo activity into one that involves another person? And what happens when you do? Before you get too in your head, know that phone sex can seem intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be. And, if all goes well, you might even have a great orgasm. Below, our best phone-sex advice and tips, for the experienced, the rookies, and the interminably bored.

Setting the stage

Here are some ways to prepare yourself and your partner for a phone-sex session, and methods for leading into it in a way that’s comfortable for both of you.

Get on the same page as your partner. “Talk about each other’s fantasies and what type of story lines are enjoyable before getting into the scene,” suggests Morgan. “Chatting beforehand about how the scene will unfold can help reduce performance anxiety for those who are new to role playing over the phone.”

Dress the part. Before we get started, think about your setting. Demeter deLune, a writer and former phone-sex operator, suggests dressing up for your phone-sex session. “Even though your partner can’t see you, it helps you get in the mood for the sexy talk ahead. Take the time to put on something that puts you in the mind-set for what’s to come. This can mean slipping into your most sultry pair of underwear or even getting extra comfortable in sweats. It’s up to you and what makes things right in your mind.”

Morgan adds, “Plan to wear whatever matches the scene that you’ve agreed to play out during the phone-sex session. For example: If the scene involves a naughty nurse, create a look that fits the role and take selfies during the call to go along with the story of the fantasy.”

Get in the mind-set. “Part of getting in the mind-set, especially if you’re new to dirty talk and aren’t sure what to say, is doing a little bit of research! Maybe read some erotica to get some word choice ideas, or use ChatGPT to write up a script for you,” says Gunsaullus. “I’m not suggesting that you read from it, but it could give you a few creative ideas for wording, descriptions, or questions to ask.”

Erin Taylor, a writer who also does sex work, notes that the key to good phone sex is “an open mind grounded in fantasy.” deLune agrees: “You can talk about things you’ve been dreaming about, because hey, you’re just talking, right?”

DeLune adds that staying relaxed is also important: “It’s normal to be nervous about trying anything new. Try to remember the person on the other end of the line wants to hear what you have to say.”

Gauge your partner’s interest. Sending nudes, sexting, and flirting over text are all good ways to gauge your partner’s interest in having phone sex and prepping you both for what’s ahead. These things act kind of like foreplay, in that you’re not going from zero to 100; after setting the stage with a sexy text or photo, you can ask them if they’d be interested in having phone sex.

Call your partner. Or you could start by calling them and take things from there. You can steer the conversation toward phone sex by first asking about their surroundings (“Where are you right now?”). That way, you can also confirm that it’s a good time for them to talk. Then you can adjust the conversation by asking questions about how they look and feel (“What are you wearing?” “Are you in bed right now?” “I wish I was there with you,” etc.) So much of phone sex is describing things, so starting out simply is a good way to begin.

So, what do I say?

First and foremost, know that you don’t have to adopt some kind of alternate “sex personality” to have phone sex. You can — Taylor notes that phone sex is “a good way to play with sex, shame, and kink in a way that is very safe and fun” — but there’s no pressure to change the usual sexual dynamic you have with your partner. For instance, if you tend to be more submissive, you can ask them to give you instructions; vice versa if you’re usually dominant. If you have a more romantic rapport, you don’t need to start talking dirty if you’re not into it.

If you and your partner have agreed upon a fantasy, Morgan suggests you “embody the character that is being portrayed in the fantasy.” She explains, “give them a name and even change your voice to embrace the energy of the character you’re role playing in the fantasy. If you are the person leading the session, it’s up to you to keep the pacing of the session, drumming up desire and deepening arousal as you move deeper into the fantasy. Start off by saying ‘hi’ and introducing yourself. After the introduction, move into the sexy talk by giving instructions and asking for feedback.”

Describe what’s happening. Phone sex is all about descriptions. Talk about what you’re wearing, what you look like, what you smell like, and exactly how you’re touching yourself. Be detailed about it, says deLune, and really get into the moment: “Once you’ve begun, there’s no need to be shy,” she says. “Be as vocal as you want to be. No one can see or hear you other than your partner. This is all about the two of you.”

Describe a memory. If describing how you feel now doesn’t feel like enough material, defer to your memories. If you’re comfortable, talk about a time you had sex with your partner, and describe in detail what you did as if they were in the room watching. If that feels good, you can move into what-ifs (“What if I had done [X]?” “What would you have done if I did [X]?” “Next time I want to do [X]”).

Dip into your “fantasy bank.” Speaking of what-ifs, deLune notes that phone sex is also “a wonderful time to break out the fantasy bank.” You can describe stuff that turns you on but that maybe you wouldn’t want to do in real life. Some ideas: public sex, like in a park or a library. Or sex in a car, an airplane, or a fancy-restaurant bathroom. In addition to settings, you can describe sexual scenarios, like role play, group sex, or BDSM.

Give instructions. Or ask your partner to tell you what to do. Dictating how, where, and when they can touch themselves is a way to make things interactive for both of you. It also just helps with the flow of the conversation and introduces a dominant/submissive dynamic that can be fun for both of you.

This still sounds complicated!

“Some people will find themselves unable to participate in dirty talk or phone sex, period,” says deLune, and that’s okay. “People have varying skill and comfort levels around being able to engage in dirty talk, let alone doing it on a phone,” acknowledges Gunsaullus. “It takes having comfort with speaking explicitly about sexual topics, and it also requires confidence and creativity. Also, I know some folks who are not able to visualize in their ‘mind’s eye,’ so this would be more difficult for them.” If that rings true to you, sexting might be a more comfortable alternative. “It can be easy to type sexual things and flirt through texting because it may feel less embarrassing, and you may feel less on the spot to immediately think of something sexy to say or ask,” says Gunsaullus.

But, if you’re really into trying phone sex, there are easier ways to get into it that don’t involve waxing poetic about your genitals.

Ask questions. “Start by asking provocative questions to get the other person going,” suggests Gunsaullus. “Hearing their answers to questions like, ‘Pick a part of my body and tell me what you want to do with it,’ or ‘What position are you imagining me in right now and how are you giving me pleasure?’ might give you the kick you’re hoping for.”

Just ask them to listen. Maybe you’re not ready to talk just yet but still want to try phone sex. “If you’re really into trying this with your partner, ask if they would like to listen to you masturbate,” deLune suggests. “This is a great way to introduce your partner to the sensuality phone sex can bring to a relationship, without the pressure of performance on their end.”

Don’t be afraid to use some aids. “When in doubt about what to say, use teasing videos and the sounds of self-pleasure to lead the way,” says Morgan. “Teasing videos don’t have to have any sound. Just images of the sexy parts of the body that arouse your partner.”

Defer to your partner completely. “Hand things over to them,” deLune suggests. “Ask them what they want to do! Sometimes all it takes is a little push in the right direction to get your creative (and other) juices flowing.”

What if I’m not feeling it?

“The end goal of phone sex is getting off (for everyone involved), but it’s also important to know your own boundaries and feeling comfortable stating them with your partner,” Taylor notes. For instance, if you’re describing fantasies, you should be clear to your partner that they’re for phone sex only, if that’s the case.

In general, Morgan says honesty is the best policy here. “If you’re not feeling it, be honest about how you feel and ask your partner for what you can do to support their self-pleasure in the moment,” she says. “It’s okay to want to support your partner if they have the desire to connect sensually at a distance but your desire to play along isn’t as high.”

What if, all of a sudden, your partner starts saying things that make you uncomfortable or calling you names you don’t like? If you still want to move forward, Cosmopolitan suggests you be clear about it without shutting things down: “It’s important for both parties to understand that it’s okay to call a ‘detour’ (detour is a word that can keep things moving, as opposed to stop). Agree that either can say, ‘Not working, let’s detour to you describing going down on me.’ In this, both parties recognize that turn-ons aren’t necessarily personality defects.”

“I like the encouragement to use a ‘detour’ approach,” says Gunsaullus, explaining, “You are staying in the conversation and connected, but just steering it in a slightly different direction. It can be helpful to very briefly yet concisely state what you’d like to detour from, otherwise the other person might misunderstand. For example, a simple, ‘Ohh, let’s steer away from any humiliation-type domination, but I’m loving you talking about pinning my hands over my head’ gives clearer direction.”

And if you feel like things are going too far or your partner won’t stop doing something after you’ve asked them to, you can always hang up. And, like any kind of intimacy, you should make sure that the phone sex is consensual and you feel safe and trust your partner.

Specifically, Morgan advises, “Set boundaries before the call begins and make sure each person agrees to them. What happens with photos that are sent? Is recording allowed? Make sure to agree to play in a secure location with no onlookers and use headphones to keep the conversation contained in a one-way direction. Talk about what you agree to do on camera and what is off limits, and remember to stay within those boundaries and don’t make suggestions outside of the agreements.”

Gunsaullus also suggests engaging in a conversation beforehand. “Like any sexual play that might be out of someone’s comfort zone or could be pushing boundaries, talk ahead of time about any topics or emotions that are in your ‘no’ zone. Share about the energy you’re hoping to create together. And if helpful, agree to a simple safe word to use if it feels like something in the conversation has crossed a line.”

Other things to think about

Your voice. You’re not giving a work presentation or trying to deliver information, so there’s really no need to speak loudly or quickly. If it feels natural to you, drop the level of your voice and speak more slowly. The sound of breathing — not necessarily heavy, but noticeable — can be very erotic and make it clear to your partner that you’re turned on.

Your language. “Calling your bits and pieces by their scientific name is all well and good, but let’s get real: It isn’t very sexy. There’s nothing wrong with dirty talk, especially during phone sex,” says deLune. Not sure where to begin on dirty talk? “The more adjectives and descriptive words, the dirtier the dirty talk,” advises Engle. “Add in adverbs and adjectives to make things dirtier when you’re in a pinch. When describing a vulva, for example, you get a lot dirtier when you throw in words like pink, tight, wet, perfect, etc.”

Using toys. Use a toy on yourself while you’re talking. Even consider putting it near the phone, so your partner can hear exactly what you’re using. Ava, who lives in New York but has a Parisian lover, has another method: She uses a vibrator that her partner can control from his iPhone as they talk. “There are sex toys on the market that can now be incorporated into this activity via Bluetooth or Wi-Fi, regardless of distance,” says Engle. “It allows for mental stimulation while also allowing you to control a product for the physical component of pleasure. Desire can be seriously amplified when we make sexual connection a priority. Some companies even make toys where your partner can control the vibrations and movements — such as Kiroo and We-Vibe — which can be very exhilarating.”

Laughing. “Don’t be afraid to laugh — sex can be awkward, especially on the phone,” says deLune. “Being silly with one another is a sure sign of a good relationship, so let it flow. You can always bring it back around to the naughty bits once you’ve let out the guffaws.”

Don’t be afraid of silence. It’s okay to lapse into silence. You can redirect the conversation just like you would any regular one: “You were talking about [X] earlier,” “Tell me more about what you’d do if I did [X],” etc.

Final thoughts

DeLune says the bottom line of any good phone-sex session is an open mind and going in without expectations. “You may have the hottest, sexiest experience ever! Or you and your partner may end up in tears of laughter,” she explains. “Either way, you’ve communicated and tried something new together and figured out if it’s a situation you want to try again or pass on.”

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