Everything That Can Hurt You on the Beach
As environmentalists keep pestering them with the excuse of saving the planet, marine animals are getting more and more fed up with humans, which makes stings and bites on the beaches more and more frequent. The sun is also in a pretty bad mood and, in general, even the most beautiful natural beaches are becoming hostile. Here’s a simple guide to everything horrible or deadly that can happen to you at the beach, besides the beach bar running out of cold beer.
Sharks
They do not have, shall we say, a good reputation, and some are in danger of extinction. The alternative would be for us swimmers to be endangered but don’t try to explain this to an environmentalist. If you meet a shark face to face, pray. You can also negotiate with it. Maybe it’s not looking for lunch, just a snack. Offer him something you don’t mind losing too much, you know, a toe or something that goes mainly unseen. If it chooses for itself, it will be worse. Trust me.
Sunburn
Depending on skin type, some people tan and look beautiful, and others mutate from heavenly white to crab red with no middle ground. The theory is that if you use sunscreen you shouldn’t get sunburnt, but practice shows that if you spend a few hours in the sun, you can’t avoid sunburn, you can only lessen its impact. (READ MORE from Itxu Diaz: Biden’s DNC Speech Revealed Kamala’s True Colors)
The one thing that might guarantee immunity from the sun is an umbrella, but setting up and keeping it upright is an advanced beach activity that can leave you even more sunburned than the sun itself. If you like spending long hours on the sand, the only effective way not to get sunburned is to be 8 years old, but I don’t think that can be bought in drugstores.
The Spiderfish
It has a different name in different parts of the world, but it is essentially the same obnoxious thing: a critter that lives on the shoreline, buried in the sand. It has a dorsal fin with poisonous spines that, with the worst of intentions, pokes upwards out of the sand. Animal lovers say that it is a harmless fish that only reacts by pricking you with its poisonous spines in self-defense when you step on it. In my opinion, if the bastard didn’t bury itself in the sand, it would be easier not to step on it. (READ MORE from Itxu Díaz: Flirting With a Foreigner)
If you do get stung, beware, there’s always some idiot on the beach who comes running to help you and claims that the only way to ease the pain is to pee on your foot. Believe it or not, there are millions of bathers out there who dream of finding someone else’s wounds to pee on. Send them to hell or, better yet, throw what’s left of the spiderfish at them.
The Medusa
In Greek mythology, Medusa is a female monster that turned all those who gazed upon her into stone. Despite being a monster, it seems that she was beautiful, just like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. AOC and today’s medusa share one characteristic: they sting.
If you see one out at sea, don’t look it in the eye, or don’t look it anywhere, because who knows where the eyes are. The medusa bewitches you with its graceful slow-motion movement, and when it brushes you with its tentacles it can cause stinging, pain, fever, spasms, and death. All the handbooks say that if you get stung you should start by removing the jellyfish remains from your skin and then I don’t remember what else. Anyway, my advice for prevention, pay attention here, is to not get stung.
The Sting Ray
Like the spiderfish, the stingray is always on the sea bottom, camouflaged with the sand, and has venomous barbs that are eager to sting you. The handbooks say that the stingray’s sting is not fatal, but it does cause breathing difficulties, muscle cramps, bleeding, convulsions, and chest pain. Frankly, maybe it’s better to die.
Bruises
It is quite common to bang yourself on rocks at the beach. What I don’t understand is why people do it.
Drowning at the Beach
The sea does its own thing. I mean: the beach is not a fairground attraction, the water and currents are quite unpredictable, and in general, everything that previously seemed under control in the sea can go to hell in a few seconds. If you’re going to drown, at least try to do it on a beach where Pamela Anderson is the lifeguard, because whatever happens in the sea, if it’s serious, some lifeguards will try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
The Electric Eel
It is the only bug in the world that gives off electricity and does not need to be plugged in to recharge its battery. If you touch it, it will shock you silly and leave you in shock for half an hour — long enough for a platypus to stick its quills into you, a jellyfish to wrap itself around your face, and a shark to dismember you from the waist down. (READ MORE from Itxu Diaz: Hobbies for Boring Days Around the House)
The only benefit of the eel is that it lives in freshwater, so it should not be anywhere near your beach unless it is completely drunk. In that case, it goes around giving kisses and hugs to all the bathers, putting on such an electric shock fest that, without a doubt, once it has slept it off, it will need to replace its battery with one that smells like burnt wires.
The Duck-Billed Platypus
Finally, the oddball. Not all beaches have platypuses, thank goodness, because seeing it face to face is a bit like realizing that the angel in charge of the assembly line that day at Creation was completely drunk. Nor do we know why Noah decided to put them on the ark if nothing good could really come out of a duck-billed, otter-footed, beaver-tailed, mammalian, egg-laying creature.
The platypus is like a Windows blue screen. All in all, the important thing to remember is that it’s a pretty dumb animal, and that makes it even more dangerous: It may be the only critter on earth that’s poisonous and doesn’t know it.
The post Everything That Can Hurt You on the Beach appeared first on The American Spectator | USA News and Politics.