The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson

With Chicago playing host to the Democratic National Convention, Mayor Brandon Johnson is in the national spotlight. The Onion sat down with the progressive to discuss the DNC, tourism, and his first year in office. 

The Onion: What advice do you have for those visiting Chicago this week?

Johnson: Please take your shoes off when visiting our city. The carpet is new. 

The Onion: What is your most proud accomplishment since you became mayor?

Johnson: I successfully negotiated to keep my AT&T home internet bill at the introductory rate for another year.

The Onion: What is your favorite thing about Chicago?

Johnson: I really love that it is only two hours from Milwaukee.

The Onion: Do you think The Bear provided an accurate depiction of Chicago?”

Johnson: Chicago residents get screamed at by Jamie Lee Curtis way more often.

The Onion: How are you addressing the migrant crisis?

Johnson: I hired a guy to tamper with Greg Abbott’s buses so they break down in Missouri.

The Onion: What’s something that has surprised you during your time as mayor?

Johnson: Apparently Chicago isn’t the capital of Illinois, which still feels so fucked up to me.

The Onion: What motivates you?

Johnson: Knowing that I’m the mayor and if I don’t go to work, they’ll write about it in the paper.

The Onion: We have a message for you from the teachers’ union: “The raven lands at midnight.”

Johnson: Oh dear God, no, not yet, they told me I had more time!

The Onion: Where should DNC tourists go while they’re here? 

Johnson: Definitely check out the basement where Barack Obama smoked weed for the first time then freaked out and tried to take his shirt off, and then threw up in the shirt.

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