Boring bonks or lacking libido? Follow our seven top tips to add some sparkle back into your sex life
HAS your love life lost its way? For many couples, sex has become bang average, with half reporting they are unsatisfied between the sheets.
We told yesterday how only 51 per cent of those in relationships are emotionally fulfilled by their bedroom action or lack of it, a survey by Durex found, and just 56 per cent are physically satisfied.
Many are no longer up for a romp because life is too stressful — and instead of turning to each other for comfort, we tune out with phones, Netflix, social media or online shopping.
Add in kids, work and chores, and months can go by without so much as a snog.
From being too busy, to boring bonks and lack of libido, here we address some common sex problems and offer solutions and advice.
I CAN’T GET IN THE MOOD
IT is common to suffer from arousal problems at some stage in life.
The NHS says one in five men and even more women are affected by loss of libido.
While age can be a factor, one study found millennials were most likely to report problems with flagging sexual desire.
Solution: Do everything but the act. For many women in particular, the thought of sex doesn’t turn them on.
It’s a myth that we have a sudden urge to rip our partner’s clothes off — we take much more warming up.
Try taking sex off the table completely and get back to basics.
Shower together. Snuggle up naked while watching TV.
Massage each other. Snog like teens and spend whole nights at second base.
When you don’t feel the pressure to perform, sex drive often returns.
Plus, kissing and cuddling help to release the bonding hormone oxytocin, which will heighten your affection for each other.
SEX IS PREDICTABLE
ARE you suffering repetitive-lay syndrome?
Decades of making love to the same partner, over and over, is bound to become predictable.
This isn’t because you are boring at bonking — you simply know each other’s bodies and head straight to the most efficient techniques.
Or if you have a house full of kids, your go-to is probably a silent quickie under the duvet after bedtime.
Solution: Mix it up with new and old techniques.
Around 60 per cent of couples say the sexually exciting honeymoon period fades within 12 months of a relationship starting.
During those early days, you were probably more adventurous.
Think back.
Where did you have sex?
What did you enjoy?
Have any of those early techniques fallen away?
Why not bring them back?
You could also discuss fantasies or try role play.
If you’re nervous about initiating this, a simple sex game could take the heat off.
My new game for couples, A Hot Minute, gives one-minute activities to try.
Being playful releases chemicals in the brain that affect arousal.
WE NEVER HAVE TIME
A BUSY life juggling work, chores and childcare often pushes your partner into last place on your To Do list.
A common sign that you need to prioritise intimacy is, when you DO have sex, you immediately think to yourself, “We should really do this more often”.
Solution: Agree a schedule. Get out your calendars and book in some bonks.
Sounds unsexy?
Try it anyway.
Scheduling sex gives you time to prepare.
You can set the scene, light candles, dig out your best lingerie and indulge in a whole — clear — night of passion.
It also means you won’t put the telly on and get engrossed in a box set or, worse still, spend the entire evening after the kids have gone to bed staring at your phones.
I DON’T LIKE MY BODY
BODY-consciousness often hits after you’ve had a baby, but it is common following other major life events as well, such as the menopause, a break-up or a major birthday.
It affects men, too, especially in middle age.
Disliking how you look will affect pleasure in bed because it breaks your concentration.
Solution: Try mindful sex. It sounds a bit naff, but keeping your head in the moment can help ramp up your sexual satisfaction.
The more you focus on how sex feels, the less you’ll care about how it looks.
When in bed, keep your thoughts locked on to your physical sensations.
Try a mindfulness tip and focus on three things you can feel, two things you can hear and one you can taste.
If you realise you have got distracted, turn your focus to your partner and how much they are enjoying being with you.
IT’S OVER TOO QUICKLY
If your sex is superb but short-lived, you can start to lose confidence and enthusiasm.
Premature ejaculation is an issue for around 30 per cent of men, and is usually classed as climaxing within a minute of penetration.
But the time scale is subjective — if either of you finish too quickly, you can both find it frustrating.
Solution: Change positions. It can help to try more foreplay so that by the time sex starts both parties are equally aroused.
Research has found women don’t often orgasm through intercourse alone, so pleasurable acts in the run-up are essential.
Then, shallow positions (such as spoons) can help, as they reduce the amount of stimulation.
Use condoms or lube to reduce friction.
MISMATCHED LIBIDOS
THIS is common as couples reach mid-life and hormones fluctuate.
For example, during menopause women’s libidos can be reduced.
Hormone replacement therapy may help, but if testosterone is part of the medication it can boost the woman’s libido so hers is higher than her partner’s.
Solution: Sexercise. Working out is a great way to balance your hormones and stabilise your mood.
It can also work wonders on men with waning libidos because it helps circulation and lowers blood pressure and the stress hormone cortisol.
Join a gym together and work up a sweat, then snog in the steam room.
Follow yoga videos at home, or just go for a walk together.
WE GET NO PRIVACY
IT’S tricky to commit to sex when you can be disturbed at any second by a wandering toddler or teen.
It also affects how you interact with your partner, stopping you from snogging during Corrie or having a big clear-the-air row (followed by make-up sex).
Solution: Mix it up. If your nights are busy, choose early-morning sex.
Or if you can’t bear the thought of a quickie before the school run, try afternoon sex instead.
Research has shown that 7am and 3pm might be the optimal times to make love.
Test that theory.
Work from home?
Replace your lunch-break with a lunge-break.
If you and your partner are home together, skip the chores and head straight to bed.
The washing-up can wait for a bit, can’t it?