A Draft of the Democrat Party Platform

The Democratic National Convention kicks off Aug. 19, 2024, in Chicago. Here is the party’s platform.

Democratic National Convention Land Acknowledgement

We acknowledge we operate on stolen land originally belonging to Native Americans. We therefore thank the Chicago Blackhawks for the use of the United Center.

Preamble

The United States of America is an idea — a terrible one that needs rethinking to ensure freedom. The Democrat Party’s 2024 theme of “Freedom (within reason)” seeks to limit our fellow Americans’ thoughts and actions to those meeting our approval. Only then can we be free.

Fracking

The Democrat Party supports fracking during even-numbered years, and 2024 is no exception. Even though we expect our candidates to promote its national ban and the criminal prosecutions of its practitioners during odd years, we must stand behind this abominable industry leading up to a presidential election to convince gullible voters we have their best interests in mind.

Private Health Insurance

See “Fracking” and substitute “Private Health Insurance” for “Fracking.”

Education

Every kindergartner must begin his/her/their public education by going to the school library and checking out any book depicting sadomasochistic bondage. Gender studies should overtake unnecessary subjects like English, mathematics, science, and history (unless the United States is depicted as an evil colonialist patriarchy).

Tim Walz will spearhead a nationwide initiative to install tampon dispensers in every public school’s boy’s bathroom. Your impressionable and confused children are our children, and our teachers have every right to keep them from you if you don’t affirm whatever it is they believe they are on a given day.

Firearms

Gun violence is destroying America’s youth. Poke your head outside of the United Center toward the South Side and you’ll hear nonstop gunfire because of Republicans. Therefore, we must ban assault weapons even though nobody in our party can define what they are — only that they’re scary-looking, and that Walz carried one when he single-handedly captured Saddam Hussein in Iraq.

And when this ban fails, and somebody commits mass murder with a handgun, we will ban them, too. We Democrats refuse to have the blood of innocent children on our hands.

Abortion

We support abortion for any reason whatsoever before and after birth. If the umbilical cord is attached, that baby is fair game for Planned Parenthood, whose business model took a pummeling in 2022, and they’ve got to make up for lost income. Not only will we reverse the incoherent, untethered-to-the-Constitution Dobbs decision, but we will also work with our friends in China to explore a forced abortion policy. You never know when it might come in handy.

Immigration

A secure national border ensures a safe, effective, and cohesive society. That’s why we’re leaving the southern border wide open. We don’t care who crosses. ISIS? Human traffickers? Young men of military age from the Middle East and China? Come on in!

The more the merrier. And, yes, some Americans will be killed by illegal border crossers — the people who our party cares about most. Just ask Sen. Chris Murphy, D-Conn. But we can minimize these deaths by boiling them down to statistics and moving on to the next news cycle with the help of our friends in the media. After all, we care.

Democrats and Israel

(The following statement will be delivered during the convention by the widow of recently assassinated Hamas leader, Ismail Haniyeh.)

We support Palestine’s right to defend itself against Israel’s constant overreactions to Hamas massacres of innocent Jews, while also stating without Kamala Harris cackling that we believe Israel is one of our most trusted allies. A two-state solution between Israel and an entity that seeks to obliterate it is the only path to peace.

This is seriously what we Democrats believe. Only we ask young, keffiyeh-wearing Democrats not to make their beliefs known on college campuses before November 5 because it makes it look like we’re supported by lunatics.

Elections

To ensure free and fair elections, we cannot ask citizens to prove they are eligible to vote by displaying any form of identification. This would disproportionally impact people of color, and we Democrats view them as helpless children who are incapable of procuring the necessary documentation for anything.

The last thing our voters need is to be treated like dignified, functional adults. They are victims and rightfully so. It’s not difficult to obtain a state-issued identification card, but our platform mandates we equate it to finding an original draft of the Bill of Rights.

Truth and the Democrat Party

Democrats never lie. Not over Joe Biden’s infirmity, which wasn’t on display during the entirety of his presidency. Not over border crossings, the video footage of which you should ignore. Not over grocery prices, which George Clooney can afford. Not over justice, which is dispensed impartially despite one’s political affiliation. (Ignore Kamala’s cackling please.) We affirm Harris and Walz will be the most truthful administration in history — so long as no questions are asked. So far, so good.

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