The Bachelorette Recap: Something’s in the Air

Hang on, something feels different …

A two-rose-ceremony episode? No cliffhanger? A li’l shrimpy ex-boyfriend got sent home with absolutely no fanfare? This combined with the folksiest possible man being selected for the vice-presidential candidate? Friends, I think we can win this.

It really feels like this season is starting to pick up steam. Men are going home at an alarming rate. Half of them are already falling in love with Jenn (and admitting it to each other before they admit it to her???), and we’re two weeks away from HOMETOWNS?!?!?! Where has the summer gone?

I hope we’re barreling toward a reality where Jenn realizes the limitations of being a Cool Girl and chasing after chemistry with these guys. Because right now I think she is playing from a defensive position, and now that most of the guys left have had a one-on-one date and been forced to literally shovel shit, it’s time for them to start metaphorically shoveling shit. Jenn, now is the time to have them pull up their BetterHelp apps and see how many weekly sessions they’re logging. Demand to scroll back through their Instagram DMs. Something is in retrograde! Register to vote! Seize the momentum!

Let’s get into it.

Awww, man, all the jenntlemen were so happy. They all had a great day and even Thomas has decided to focus on his relationship with Jenn instead of perching himself on Samm’s shoulder and laughing at everything Samm says. Dylan says he’s never had brothers and all of the other guys are his brothers. They can all feel God in this Chili’s tonight.

Jenn meets up with Jesse, who is on Matt’s side?!?!? Jesse, no!! Flying halfway across the world to meet up with your ex-girlfriend just as she’s about to have a rose ceremony on a nationally televised dating reality show is NOT a romantic gesture. It’s FOMO disguised as a romantic gesture. Jenn certainly does not have to give Matt the time of day just because he used up all his Delta miles to get to New Zealand. I would still like to hear about the series of weddings that Matt is missing to be here.

Jenn finally comes in to talk to all the guys and explain that someone from her past has entered the chat and he’s professing his love. So she’ll be right back, don’t freak out. Bye! Everyone’s hearts drop into their buttholes. Austin starts the conversation by asking, “Does anyone want to talk on that?” Spencer immediately wants to know the logistics and if this guy will be staying in the house if he gets added to the competition. My second-favorite Austin moment during this whole ordeal is him repeating, “This is whack and corny,” and no one has a reaction. Marcus is concerned that this ex-boyfriend will have an unfair advantage because he already knows Jenn, and Devin is PISSED. He starts ranting to Grant that Jenn has cried about her past and if she lets her past walk back into the house, he “ain’t gonna do it again.” Uh-oh. This feels like something we should dive into (along with his Instagram and Twitter likes). He says he’s been cheated on in the past, and Jenn entertaining her ex is setting him off. He says if she brings Matt into the house, his rose doesn’t mean anything.

Well, he doesn’t have to worry because Jenn is NOT. BUYING. THIS. He’s not really able to explain how or why he did this other than “you’ll be engaged at the end of this, so there’s no flexibility there.” Yeah, dude. That’s generally what happens when you break up and three years pass. He keeps saying their bond is getting strong, but he’s unable to articulate any specifics about their relationship. So when I hear “our bond was getting stronger,” I just hear, “We kept sleeping together but then you went on TV and stopped sleeping with me, plus I had the PTO.”

Matt finally walks into the cocktail party and, wow, what a li’l pipsqueak. They should have made him stand back-to-back with the rest of the guys before he admitted that Jenn dumped him (for what I can only assume is like the third time). He says that Jenn knows her future is in this room, so he’s going to do the Hobbiton walking tour and head on home. Bye!!

Time for the rose ceremony. Grant, Jeremy, Jonathan, Spencer, Dylan, and Austin all get roses. John and Thomas are both going home.

The next morning, Jesse and Jenn enjoy a cup of coffee in the fanciest hotel lobby I’ve ever seen. Jesse reads from the Auckland board of tourism website about the amazing coffee culture! It’s time for the date cards this week, and Austin is ready for his narrative this episode. He hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet and he’s got to figure out if he really likes Jenn and if she likes him. No time for that, though, because Jonathan is getting the first one-on-one date of the week.

Guys. Jonathan? What a li’l cutie. Like, maximum levels of cutie-pie-ness. And production has decided to ruin his morning by forcing him to go on a helicopter and confront his fears. Jenn and Jonathan end up at a winery on an island and shoot the “falling in love” montage from a rom-com. Jonathan is testing out his possible The Bachelor arc that he’s looking for a rom-com love. Which would sound romantic, except that would mean that at some point, he and Jenn will have some misunderstanding that would have been easily avoided if either of them picked up their phone. They both love that they can joke around and be goofy with each other, but they both want to figure out if there’s something more vulnerable there. And the best way to figure that out is to make out in a portable wood-fired hot tub in the New Zealand countryside. On the evening portion of the date, Jonathan opens up about his past relationship and says that he was dating a woman and at some point, she began to abuse alcohol and drugs and would lash out at him and accuse him of being abusive.

What happened in the casting this season that every single guy was in a toxic relationship?? I’m not doubting that these guys have gone through some hardships, and, yeah, by your late 20s/early 30s you’ve probably been in some relationships you needed to get out of, but was that the screening criteria for casting this season? “Must be over five-foot-ten, 26–34, at least one broken engagement”? I wonder how what Jenn asked for translated into a collection of men that have studied the Zales return policy.

Jenn talks more about her emotionally abusive ex and says that helps explain who Jonathan is. He says that he’s looking for that Rom-com Type of Love™. They both talk about how they’ve put on a brave face and have problems with opening up and being vulnerable. Jenn feels like they have a lot in common and they’ve learned the same lessons from their relationships. He gets the group-date rose and she leads him over to their mark and production turns on the fakest-looking sudden rainstorm for that Rom-com Kiss. Ladies and jenntleman, your Bachelor front-runner.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives and Devin, Samm, Marcus, Spencer, Jeremy, Dylan, and Austin are all going on the group date, so that means Grant is getting the one-on-one. This also means that Austin is slowly going insane. For the group date in the countryside, the contesticles have popped on some plaid flannels. Some have chopped them up for a more new unique DIY look. Jeremy has turned his into a crop. The more I see of Jeremy in the background of these episodes, the more I’m ready for his inevitable star turn in Paradise. Austin has slashed his into a racerback halter.

Jenn meets them in the countryside and two farmers who look like Australian Gothic meet them to announce that their challenge is to herd sheep and one of them will be Best Farmer or some shit. Whatever. This was just soothing ASMR to me. I just leaned my head back and watched sweet little sheep leap over nothing like popcorn popping. Jenn and the contesticles fruitlessly trying to herd sheep into a closed gate. Gentle fools, sweet idiots, soft sheep. None of this matters. I’m finally at peace.

Quick question: Why are they playing aggressive stereotypical American southern banjo music for this segment? Shouldn’t they be playing some didgeridoos and Men at Work?

Because Devin understands that the real game is impressing Jenn and not how well he can herd sheep, he takes a couple moments to stand next to Jenn and give her some attention. This is how you win! And everyone is mad because he’s doing his “Sucking up all the air” thing. That’s the whole game, you fucking dummies. Do you think that there is any scenario in Jenn’s life which would require her future husband to be good at herding sheep, or even have those skills to apply to another challenge? No! Tell her she’s pretty and her boots are cool! Devin fucking gets it. He’s named Farmer of the Day, and all the guys are pissed that they had to chop the dingleberries off a sheep’s ass and didn’t get anything. Also, the Farmer of the Day prize is just to sit with Jenn in a patch of grass that hopefully isn’t covered in shit and make out a little bit.

It’s time for the evening portion of the date and Austin has had enough. He sits Jenn down and tells her that it wouldn’t be fair if he continued his journey. She doesn’t really pressure him for an explanation and immediately interprets him leaving as her doing a bad job.

She sits down with a producer after walking Austin out and starts wondering how many other guys are feeling this way and if Samm and Marcus are thinking she’s not enough for them. She also says that if she does, this will break the façade she’s put up and she’d have to tell the guys about what she’s feeling and they’ll know how worthless she is.

JENN!!!!!!!! My dear sweet Jenn!!! Austin leaving is aggressively not about you, but rather the confines of the reality TV genre and men’s inability to wait their turn. Having feelings and having them hurt occasionally doesn’t mean you’re worthless, and just because one relationship doesn’t work out doesn’t mean they’re all doomed! But it also just shows how for so many women (on this show and in real life), the Cool Confident Girl persona can be a way to avoid the possible hurt when things don’t go how you think they should. She goes back out to explain to the guys what’s happening and she says she doesn’t like being vulnerable or feeling weak. She says she does see a future in this room, but she also sees a future where she ends up alone. Samm’s way of reassuring her is to tell her that she sees her husband in this room and they all see their wives in her. God damn it, Samm.

The guys all take time reassuring her that her vulnerability is okay and they want to make her feel better. At the end of the night, Jenn doesn’t want to give a group-date rose out of respect for the night.

It’s time for Grant’s one-on-one date, and they’re riding horses along the seaside! I, like Snoop Dogg at the Olympics, want to see the horses. Jenn is VERY attracted to Grant, so that means she’s going to have to listen to his words and find out what makes him tick.

Grant is another top-tier sweetie who seems to be expressing romantic thoughts and feelings for the first time. Their cute picnic gets rained on and Grant makes an effort to hold the umbrella and tell her he’s always got her back. At the evening portion of the date, Grant opens up about his relationship with his father, who is in recovery. Growing up, his father was an alcoholic, and Grant realized he had never known his real dad because his dad was always drunk and hiding it. Grant talks about the moment that inspired his dad to go to rehab and how he’s proud of his dad for apologizing and getting help. Jenn opens up about how her father wasn’t present and as a result, she sought out bad partners. She also goes more in depth with her bad past relationship and says he would DENY THAT RACISM AND SEXISM EXISTED?? It’s not enough for Jenn to get engaged. I want to run her ex over with my car. (Also, this makes the revelations about Devin’s likes seem even worse for Jenn. Oh, honey.)

Jenn feels like she can have a serious conversation with Grant, and neither of them are freaking out or running away. He gets the rose.

It’s time for the cocktail party, and Grant opens the night by saying he’s falling in love with Jenn. OH, SWEETIE PIE! You’re having some big feelings and not everyone needs to hear them right now. Jonathan also talks to Grant about his growing love for Jenn and Grant says, “Don’t tell anyone I was crying.” Jenn comes in and she knows what she wants to do, so we’re going RIGHT to the cocktail party.

Samm, Devin, Marcus, Jeremy, and Spencer all get roses, so that means Dylan is going home. Anyone else notice that everyone in the final seven are all lighter than a paper bag? Just me? Okay.

Dylan’s final words: “This sucks.”

Also we get another preview that has me DEFINITELY thinking Jenn is going to propose at the end of the season!! See you next week for The Week Before Hometowns!