I Was Told I Was Selfish For Having A Baby As A Disabled Woman, But It's My Greatest Achievement

At the age of 19, Amelia Peckham was on holiday with a group of friends who decided to explore on quad bikes.

As she was driving, the quad bike hit a pothole, causing it to slide over the edge of a long drop. Peckham had to jump from the quad bike, but as she hit the hillside her hips got stuck on a rock and her top half kept rolling.

Sadly, Peckham very quickly knew something was wrong. Thinking she had just broken her foot, she asked her friend to remove her boots. 

“My friend said ‘You’re not wearing any boots’ and I realised I had no feeling at all from my waist down,” Peckham shared.

After the accident, Peckham, co-founder of Cool Crutches and Walking Sticks was left bedbound for six weeks before undergoing an operation that involved taking a bone graft from her pelvis and using it to fuse three vertebrae in the centre of her back, allowing her to start rehab earlier than planned. 

“Safe to say the fairy-tale fantasy life I had in mind pre-accident disappeared overnight”

Despite being in recovery, Peckham knew her life was never going to be the same again and the fear of not being able to have children set in. 

Peckham explained that while she was recovering from the accident, her mind raced with thoughts about whether she’d be able to have children: “I carried the worry around with me silently for years.

“Every time I went on a date I felt a huge sense of worry about whether I should warn the guy I wasn’t sure whether I would be able to have children.”

For Peckham, her early twenties were spent not knowing whether she could have children. It would simply depend on Peckham’s symptoms if the time ever came and the risks would revolve around the pregnancy and birth.

Miraculously, Amelia did get pregnant, but it came at a cost

When Peckham finally did get pregnant at age 31, doctors warned her that it would be a difficult experience for her and because she had chosen it, she felt like she had to deal with the worst of it by “taking it on the chin”.

However, it was rough for her. She explained: “The exhaustion was like nothing I’ve ever experienced and the pain was also off the charts compared to my normal day-to-day life.”

During the last trimester, Amelia was struggling to walk and even ended up in the hospital at 35 weeks due to the pain she was experiencing which left her bed bound for the remainder of her pregnancy.

When it came to giving birth, Amelia was given conflicting medical advice, leaving her worried: “I was not given a definitive answer about the birth until a week before and was only told on the day of my c-section that I wouldn’t be having an epidural.

“I was hugely relieved that I wouldn’t be having an epidural as it wasn’t safe and instead, the doctors opted for a general anaesthetic. But it wasn’t great to spend 9 months worrying about the birth and potential risks.”

Two years later, Peckham found out she was pregnant with her second child, but devastatingly she developed a uterine inversion during her second c-section, leaving her unable to have more children.

Although being a mother is Peckham’s greatest achievement, she revealed that people often assume you can’t cope, won’t be able to do as good a job, and sometimes that you are selfish for choosing to have a baby with a disability.

HuffPost UK spoke exclusively with the entrepreneur and disability advocate to learn about the difficulties disabled parents face.

Did you feel that people had preconceived ideas about your capabilities and limitations as a disabled parent?

“The interest around whether I could, would or should have children was intense almost from the second I had my accident.

“Aged only 19, it wasn’t something I personally was worrying about at the time but the people around me, both friends and family, but also strangers, did often ask. Sometimes people were bold, other times it felt like the elephant in the room, but I would say there was an unusual level of interest.

“For those close to me the interest focused on whether I would be ok and if it was safe for me but for strangers the focus sadly was more often than not, focused on whether the baby would be ok with a disabled mother like me. Was it fair to have a baby when I was disabled? The idea was that a physical disability would automatically compromise my ability to parent, let alone parent well.”

When you consider that there are over 14 million disabled people in the UK, it’s baffling to think that disability is considered to be something that would inherently hold somebody back from being a parent. 

Peckham continued: “I think the preconceived ideas were that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the physical demands, and that I was perhaps weaker than most and therefore higher risk in my abilities to parent. Which in turn would potentially mean choosing to have a baby might be selfish.”

“It’s not just about you when it comes to having a baby”, was what one person said to me. Whilst I agree there are considerations when you have a disability and health implications you need to consider, having a disability does not automatically mean you can’t, shouldn’t or won’t have a child or parent as well as those without a disability.

You said that you had a ‘fraction’ of the strength and stamina of an able-bodied person for the first two years after giving birth - did you feel supported during that time? What would have helped if not?

“I really struggled with my physical strength and stamina post birth, I had a c-section under a general anaesthetic which took much longer to heal with an infection etc so it really meant I was limited to what physical activity I could do for 8-12 weeks vs 6 weeks I was aiming for.

“Because of the nerve damage to the lower half of my body, this then meant I lost a lot of physical strength for the best part of a year (considering pregnancy too). It took a lot of physical physio and exercise to rebuild this and I wish I’d had some support to give me time to heal, rebuild and rest.

“I went back to work four months after my first child because I didn’t qualify for maternity pay (ironically I was so worried about the pressure to return to work I left my job to go on maternity leave which effectively cost me maternity pay) so I do think if I had stayed and taken maternity pay I could have taken longer off work that would have helped hugely.

“Sadly financially I needed to work and do think this meant it took me even longer to get back to normal physically.”

Please, tell us about the joys of being a parent now and any advice you have to disabled people who are concerned about becoming parents

“Becoming a parent is the single best thing I’ve ever done, the worry and anxiety I had before I gave birth was quite something and I firmly believe it was due to the societal stigmas surrounding disabled parents - the noise was deafening and I’m sad to say I listened to it.

“I adore my children, they have changed my whole life for the better and made every part of my life infinitely better - it has given me a family unit of my own, filled with inexplicable love and adoration. It’s given me direction and purpose with my work and I’ve built a new life with my family in the countryside which has been a game changer for my health.

“I genuinely believe the only thing the doctors said to me that I was a little worried about was the possibility of not having children.

“The not walking, the internal impact of my injury and long-term physical health implications I was quite adamant I’d figure out but the possibility of not being a parent sat heavy in my mind for a decade.”

With this in mind, Peckham has advice for people facing similar hurdles:

“With some stubborn pursuit of info from doctors (don’t take just one opinion) and incredible support from my friends and family, [being a parent] was absolutely doable.

“I would always say don’t write it off, talk to as many doctors as you can about all the risks, pros and cons and make a decision based on what’s right for you.

“Trust your gut and remember you are more resilient than most!”