Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:
 
I am not getting what I need from my husband. Can I get it from someone else instead? 

This happened about five years ago. He read a message my work colleague sent to me and misinterpreted it. All of a sudden, he stopped having sex with me.

But what am I expected to do? Not interact with anyone in the office? That is not the way it works.

I would like your thoughts on this, please.
 
Frustrated wife

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Dear Frustrated Wife (FW),

Thank you for your email.

Your husband (let’s call him Joe) may be just the latest man to suspect his wife of infidelity based on what he has read. However, the price he is exacting — no sex for five years and who knows what else — is unusually harsh, absent other evidence of the alleged betrayal.

You do not say to what extent you have tried to resolve this impasse. If it is the case that you have made no, or only desultory, efforts to explain the real facts, then perhaps you need to ask yourself why this is the case.

If, however, Joe is simply impervious to all your efforts to clarify the misunderstanding, then the question is why you are still with this obdurate man. Quite what sort of marriage are you trying to sustain here, and why?

Instead of “an eye for an eye,” perhaps your mantra should be “two wrongs do not make a right.” Maintain the high moral ground and make a new life for yourself, preferably with a partner open to reason and respect for you.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

Dear FW:

Thank you very much for your letter.

At first glance, your letter does seem like it was written by a woman frustrated by her husband’s behavior. However, after some analysis, your letter seems more like it was written by an angry woman looking for a reason to have an affair/relationship with another man.

This is not a judgment, merely an observation. However, if this observation is, indeed, correct, it is important that you realize this so you can deal with your issues, less self righteously, and thus less painfully, and more effectively.

Why do I think you are more angry than frustrated? Because when you wrote about how your husband misinterpreted that text message, you did not express any regret. To be clear, I was not looking for self-flagellation, or even unending attempts to convince your husband of your innocence.

However, your response was muted, so understated, and yes, almost self-serving. It seems like all you did was merely shrug your shoulders, with the thought bubble: “Grow up! I can’t not interact with my colleagues! If that upsets you, well, tough sh*t.”

It’s as if you almost welcomed his reaction because, in the end, it gave you a reason to do what you actually wanted — to be with someone else and not be blamed for it. After all, how could anyone blame you, a woman wrongly accused of infidelity, “deprived of sex, by a man who misunderstood simply because of a text?!!?”

Oh, FW. To be sure, what you did was normal in the sense that anyone who felt unappreciated by her spouse would try to find ways to get him to appreciate her again.

But if she felt it took too long for him to fall in love with her again (and that can range from one day to, maybe, in your year five), she would then find her own way to feel appreciated — on her own, by her girlfriends, or most likely, by another man (or men).

Thus, definitely no judgment here. However, I think you need to make sure you can look back on this decision feeling assured that you tried the best you could. You do not sound like an irresponsible, uncaring person. Because while you could have easily rationalized and had affairs from the start, you didn’t, or didn’t until you decided that the next one you had would be the one to irretrievably damage your relationship.

Thus, to be fair to yourself, explore the ways you may have ignored, which might rekindle some embers that could be fanned into a better marriage or if you have decided you are beyond that, explore the ways you can end your marriage with dignity and integrity, hopefully on both sides.

By this time in your marriage, who started what, determining who’s the chicken and who’s the egg, is useless. What isn’t is that you can take the first step (by the way, that is mainly because you are the one we’re communicating with; we would say the same to him) so that you both go beyond blaming, being angry, and wanting to get even with the other. This way you can really start the process of healing without any hidden agenda.

We might be able to help you reach this state if you write us again. Again, however, you may no longer be interested in your marriage, perhaps accepting that there was something more negative in it which was the deeper reason you both wanted this no-sex situation to remain as is. How could he get away with what Mr. Baer describes as an “unusually harsh” response? Could it be that sex was so painful for you both that you had both decided not having it was the better option? Could that be the reason you both accepted this five-year “drought” without a fight?

Mr. Baer also mentioned how “an eye for an eye” might not be the best mantra to follow. I agree entirely. Realizing you both misbehaved (?) instead of one being the innocent (you) and the other being the culprit will help you resolve your separation (in your mind, if not under the law — difficult without the divorce law being passed) with less recrimination, and thus, with an easier way to fairness.

After all, you cannot be expected to love anyone, but you can be expected to behave decently and with integrity to all.

With my very best wishes and the greatest hope you don’t hate me,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.