The Lost Lincoln-Douglas Debate at the Trump Saloon!

Historians have recently discovered the transcript of an eighth Lincoln-Douglas debate in addition to the seven the two candidates engaged in during their 1858 contest for the U.S. Senate seat from Illinois. The previously unknown final debate took place outside Trump Saloon in Moline, Illinois, which is long considered the best and classiest saloon in the entire state. Some people say in the world.

The transcript reveals how the fake news—very unfair and, frankly, disgraceful—Illinois press corps treated the late, great Abraham Lincoln, whose ending slavery makes him the second-best president for the Black population, following Donald John Trump, who had his second term unfairly stolen from him, and everybody knows it.

Here is a part of their debate:

Moderator: Thank you, Judge Stephen Douglas, for that cogent presentation of the case for your candidacy. They don’t call you “the Little Giant” for nothing! In rebuttal, we will hear from the eminent lawyer, former U.S. Representative Abraham Lincoln, the Republican candidate for the United States Senate in this year of Our Lord 1858. Mr. Lincoln, in a recent speech at the Illinois State Capitol, you said, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” Your opponents charge that you are calling for the dissolution of the Union and pretending to be an architect, engineer, and carpenter when you lack the qualifications to judge a home’s stability. How would you respond to that charge?

A. Lincoln: First of all, I can’t believe you asked me such a rude question in such a horrible manner. I was invited here and kept waiting backstage for half an hour while you let Little Steve talk with no interruption, I could add. And now, finally, when you asked the question, I couldn’t really hear you. I don’t know who set up the stage, maybe that’s why you kept me waiting, but the sound is terrible. I was told I would get to speak first, okay? Now they say Douglas, Douglas, but I was invited here, I came here. I know you work for The North Star, a fake newspaper. There’s no news in it; they say it’s a black newspaper, but I’ve seen it, okay. It’s white. There’s no such thing as a black newspaper. It has to be white, or you couldn’t read the letters, or maybe you could; I’ve heard it said that what you print is just lies about me; everyone says that. And I’ve been very nice to you, and maybe I didn’t have to be, maybe I shouldn’t be, but that question was nasty. You’re fake news, and you’re nasty.

Moderator: Do you believe the Union should be dissolved?

A. Lincoln: He is the one who wants to dissolve the Union by allowing illegals to pour in from outhouse countries like Ireland and Germany so they can vote for the Democrat Party, and they are emptying prisons and madhouses–

Moderator: You have also been charged with being an abolitionist, sir. How do you respond?

A. Lincoln: What’s an abolitionist? Tell me what it means.

Moderator: Sir, most people know the meaning—

A. Lincoln: No, excuse me. You asked me the question, what do you mean by ‘abolitionist’?

Moderator: The question is—

A. Lincoln: Who is an “abolitionist”? Give me a name!

Moderator: Senator Sumner of Massachusetts—

A. Lincoln: I don’t know him, I have never heard of him, and I have nothing to do with him. I’ve never been to Massachusetts if there is such a place. Maybe there is. I don’t know. But maybe it’s a nice place because Little Steve and his illegal friends haven’t ruined it yet, but I have nothing to do with Massachusetts.

Moderator: Sir, the American Anti-Slavery Society—

A. Lincoln: Anti-slavery society, stand back and stand by! We need societies. These are patriotic Americans who only want, by peaceful means—very peaceful–to combat the flood of immigrants ruining our cities. They’re drinking beer, dropping sausages in the street, and committing crimes, raping, and looting. Some of them, I assume, are good people. But we don’t know how many thugs the Pope has sent here. We know he’s not sending his best. They say it could be millions. I think, frankly, it’s a lot more than that. Billions. The toughest. Killers. So, Christians who vote for Little Steve—I call him that because he’s extremely little, tiny—are lousy Christians because he is the worst U.S. Senator in history and horrible for Christians, and everybody says that. But we have to fight like hell, or we won’t have a house divided. We won’t have any house.

Moderator: To quote Mr. Frederick Douglass, the eminent author—

A. Lincoln: Fred Douglass, he’s been doing a terrific job, and he will be getting more and more recognition for that; he’s been very underrated; his ratings are good, but compared to mine, have you seen the figures for my “House Divided” speech? What about Illinois Wrestling Entertainment, undefeated? It’s been said I am the greatest wrestler in world history; I don’t know, people say that. So maybe he is doing well, but I don’t know him, never met him—and I’ve heard it said that he is Black, but I don’t know, maybe he is, but he was just here, you let him speak before me, and he didn’t look Black to me. For years, he was Black all the way.

Moderator: Sir, that was a different Douglas, that was Judge Douglas, your opponent in this election.

A. Lincoln: So now you say he’s white after all? So, he’s one thing when it helps him and another thing when it doesn’t? Nothing’s phonier. For years, he was Black all the way. And tall. Now he’s white and short.

Moderator: Speaking of which, I see some of our audience are departing and vowing they’re not going to vote—

A. Lincoln: Well, tell them that if they vote for me, they’ll never have to vote again.

Moderator: Sir, there have been questions about your vice presidential selection, Andrew Johnson, should you seek the White House in 1860.

A. Lincoln: Johnson, yes. Not Horrible Hamblin which the fake news reported. Johnson. Great person. Beautiful family.

Moderator: He’s been getting a lot of attention for saying widows, widowers, and those who have yet to marry should not have a vote but that children should be able to vote–with their parents deciding which candidate they choose.

A. Lincoln: I’ve not heard that. He’s very pro-family, as am I. But look, Vice presidents don’t change races. It’s about the top of the ticket—the top—that’s me.

Moderator: We have a question about Indians from the frontier. What’s your policy?

A. Lincoln: Love the frontier. Lakes, mountains, golf. Not the bears, no. But the frontier is so peaceful. Except for the bears. And no Indian casinos. Ever. Although my support among Native Americans is through the roof. But no casinos. Not on reservations. Speaking of reservations, Trump telegraph operators are standing by to take your reservation….

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