My stepchildren are a constant reminder of my husband’s affair
DEAR DEIDRE: My stepchildren are a constant reminder of my husband’s affair.
Although I know they are blameless, I feel very resentful towards them, and can’t cope when they misbehave.
I’m 50 and my husband is 53. He had an affair 10 years ago, which resulted in two children, aged nine and six.
We got back together three years ago, after he and the woman he had the affair with split.
Our own children are grown up and have now left home.
The problem is, my husband and his ex co-parent the kids, which means there’s a considerable amount of time when they’re staying in my home.
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They are lovely kids, and I fully accept that my husband needs and wants to be a dad to them, but I am becoming increasingly unhappy with the situation.
The children argue and fight all the time, make lots of noise and mess, and they never help around the house.
My husband refuses to be strict with them – perhaps because he feels guilty about splitting with their mum – and I feel it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to discipline them.
I’ve tried talking to him about how I feel, but he just says it takes time to get used to being a blended family.
I love him and really want us to work out this time, but I’m starting to question whether all this stress is worth it.
Having his affair rubbed in my face all the time – albeit not deliberately – is painful – and he doesn’t seem to understand that.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Being a stepmum in a blended family is difficult at the best of times, even without the added stress of those children being the result of your husband’s affair.
It’s natural that you feel some resentment towards the children, and admirable you don’t want this to reflect on your treatment of them.
But if they’re staying in your house, you need to have a say over the rules and boundaries too.
It’s important you talk to your husband again and explain exactly how you feel, and try to work on this together.
My support pack on Stepfamilies should help you, as should Looking After Your Relationship.
You could also call Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, tel: 0808 800 2222) for advice and support.