Dear Abby: When I suggested family counseling, dad overreacted

DEAR ABBY: After several years of worsening arguments, I told my father I was tired of fighting with him, and we needed family counseling. He was deeply, explosively offended and not only refused to talk about counseling, but also ceased all contact with me.

He called my siblings and told them I was disowned and then changed his will. This was surely an overreaction, but it might be generational. When I said we needed to see a therapist, I think he heard me calling him (or us?) mentally ill, which he found unacceptable.

The relationship with my dad is probably not repairable, but he has told all of our extended family that I'm the one who cut off contact with him and that I started it. I guess that's sort of true because I said we needed to be in counseling before we visited each other again, but the way he tells the story made me look like a villain, and my aunts and cousins stopped inviting me to family events. No one will pick up the phone or answer emails.

I have a good job and live on my own, so it's not that I need their support, but I miss them and hate them thinking so poorly of me. Besides going to counseling myself, which I'm doing, what can I do? — MISSING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MISSING: There is little more you can do besides what you have already tried. You might send out one more mass email blast explaining in detail what happened with your father, tell them you love and miss them and that you are sorry that your suggestion that you and Dad have family counseling resulted in your being shunned (which is what is happening). Then get on with your life and gather a "chosen family" of friends who are supportive in good times and bad.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired nurse on a limited income. Shortly after retiring, I used a large part of my retirement money to pay off the house, put on a much-needed new roof and purchase a car and various household necessities so I could at least come close to living on my Social Security income.

For the last seven years, my daughter has lived with me along with her children, who have grown in number from one to three in that short time. She's unable to keep a job because she has a variety of mental and medical issues, so I have gladly helped with co-parenting the children.

I pay the bills, run errands and provide the transportation for our household while she does most of the food procurement. Some of the disputes we wind up having are about the food — eating and wasting, etc. Because I have allowed her to live here and already pay almost all the bills, am I wrong for wanting a say in matters of menu and grocery lists? She gets very possessive about the shopping choices. — FUSSING OVER FOOD IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR FUSSING: You are a loving, caring and generous mother. I assume you are also paying for the food your daughter is buying. If that's the case, then your wishes should prevail when it comes to what's on the menu.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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