Marin Voice: Dinner meetups a good way to avoid patterns of loneliness

Are you lonely? Well, you are not alone.

Social isolation is not good for society, impacting both physical and mental health. Many who feel isolated are more likely to be attracted to a false community, just as young male recruits were in Germany in the 1930s. In some ways, parts of our society are now drawn to this harmful pattern.

The U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy has also voiced grave concerns.

“Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling – it harms both individual and societal health,” Murthy said in an advisory report last year. “It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.”

Many people don’t want to admit they are lonely, falsely believing this implies weakness or lack of social success. A viable solution that suits varied aspects of society can be difficult.

Have you heard of the “Third Place” concept? According to Wikipedia.com, it refers to “the social surroundings that are separate from the two usual social environments of home (first place) and the workplace (second place). Examples of third places include churches, cafes, bars, clubs, libraries, gyms, bookstores, hacker spaces, stoops, parks, theaters, among others.”

Another option is the growing movement called communal dining. Two local Marin founders put their own spin on this by forming a similar group but limiting the number of diners from four to six. This concept occurred to them as they sat around one Saturday evening musing about how it would be nice to hang around with some friends and go have a bite tonight. But some were out of town and others tied up with jobs, kids or otherwise busy. In response, they created this group with the tagline, “New friendships over dinner.” Or, another “Third Place.”

I discovered this group through a post on social website Nextdoor.com a few months ago. I signed up and met five fellow Marin residents at a beautiful Sausalito restaurant which I had heard of, but never visited. We broke bread and conversed in a low-pressure environment. The conversation was animated and enthusiastic and the friendly atmosphere was welcoming.

Each person ordered from the standard menu then received a unique bill. The conversation began with each person briefly sharing their name and interests, all of which served as conversation starters.

After that first evening, I returned a few weeks later and met five new friends at a place under the redwoods in Larkspur. The varied backgrounds and interests each diner brought to the table (literally) were fascinating. One woman is a retired publisher of a Northern California newspaper. I sat next to a man who is in finance, and he shared some tips on securities of note.

Just last week, I met someone who lives in my complex, though we never met. Now, we are no longer strangers. Another diner mentioned starting a book club and a lively conversation on current literature ensued.

The two-hour engagement went by quickly. Using their proprietary app, diners can share contact info, though it is not required. I have connected with a woman who shares my love of hiking and painting with watercolors. We’ve made plans to go to Mount Tamalpais with our sketchbooks. Pickleball is a sport I have yet to try, but now I have potential partners who will show me the ropes.

It’s truly refreshing, safe and decidedly stress-free. I’ve met diverse people whose lives and experiences I may not have encountered in any other way. And all are fellow Marin dwellers.

Joining in a communal dining event means no need to spend time and energy swiping or the hassle of viewing profiles and arranging a meet-up.

As famed chef and TV travel host Anthony Bourdain once said, “You learn a lot about someone when you share a meal together.”

I look forward to meeting you soon.

Eileen Denny Alexander, of Mill Valley, is a caregiver and a graphic designer.