The Bachelorette Recap: The Main Thing

When the episode opens with a warning about “scantily clad men thrusting and gyrating” (presumably so Yosef’s now-adult daughter watching at home knows to turn the episode off), I know that we’re going to be in for a wild ride. And could this be the first season of The Bachelorette where the lead’s ovulation goggles fully ruins the season?? Because if Jenn doesn’t pull a Kaitlyn Bristowe and sleep with Sam M before the fantasy suites, this entire season just might crash and burn.

Before we get to the sexual tension that’s thicker than Megan Thee Stallion after Thanksgiving, can I just ask … Why does Sam M talk like that? He talks like someone created a Chet Hanks language learning model, a ChetGPT, if you will. I feel like he personally owes me reparations every time he says, “I’m gonna keep the main thing the main thing.” He seems like he belongs more on FBoy Island and not The Bachelorette. Dislike. Unsubscribe.

Jenn is so incredibly horny for Sam M, who is so clearly terrible for her, it might threaten the entire enterprise. Jenn!!! Stand up!!! This is not a man who puts you first or will take care of you — this is a guy who uses orgasms as a tool of manipulation! He’s going to ask you if you’ll co-sign a small business loan so he can open a tattoo parlor-slash-car detailing business while he’s between your legs!!! Someone please protect Jen’s heart (and her credit score)!! Especially when there are so many absolute sweeties. But let’s get into it.

It’s morning in Mel-bin and the jentlemen are absolutely over the drama between Sam M, Thomas, and Devin from last week. (Shout-out to Olivia for holding it down last week!) The quickness with which Thomas went from No. 1 sweetheart to henchman is devastating.

The first date card of the week goes to Spencer! Sure, I guess!! In a season where I weirdly have more men’s faces and names memorized than usual, I don’t think I can remember any facts or interactions with Spencer before this moment. But he seems sweet enough. Jenn says she’s looking for someone to put her first and feel comfortable. Unfortunately, the only examples that she can muster are “he put my seatbelt on for me,” so it comes off more like she’s a toddler, and Spencer is an attentive stepdad. “He made sure that the corners were all baby-proofed and tested the temperature of the bathtub with his elbow.”

It’s time for the evening portion of the date and Jenn loves a sparkly gown with a boa. I get it. She’s a hot, petite bitch and she’s decided that Jean Harlow is her style icon. Jenn’s narrative for this season is she’s been in a lot of toxic relationships where she lost herself and the jentlemen are echoing that back to her. Spencer reveals that he was engaged before, and right before the wedding, his fiancée said she needed “some time,” and he dug in her phone and found out she was cheating. Jenn hears this and asks if Spencer has an inherent distrust of engagements and love. Spencer says that he jumps all in when it comes to love and he’s ready to be engaged again. I’d be asking how often he sees a therapist and if he’s doing cognitive behavioral or talk therapy. I guess they have chemistry and I guess they like each other? Spencer gets the rose, and the fireworks make out, so I guess this is more serious than I anticipated.

Dylan, Marcus, Thomas A, John M, Grant, Jonathon, Sam N, Thomas N, Sam M, and Devin are all going on the group date, and the date card says, “I’m looking for a love down under.” It’s a Thunder Down Under themed date and Sam M already has his shirt open. (Even before he knew the theme of the date.) The cast of Thunder Down Under demonstrate the iconic moves and I’m very into the big guy on the Thunder Down Under cast demonstrating all the ways to do a body roll. “Pretend like you’re holding onto two poles and … roll.” Add him to the house. Spice it up. Somehow, during this three-dance move tutorial, Salmon sprains his wrist and worries about being “the first Persian to strip.” He retreats into his mind palace and cooks up a scheme that is unhinged.

Sam M knows that he has a powerful sexual hold over Jenn and is ready to exploit that in front of people, and Devin is mainly worried about his body because he doesn’t have abs and a hairy chest. One: Oh, Devin, there are PLENTY of women who are into hairy chests and soft bodies. You’ll be fine. And two: you know who else didn’t have abs and probably had a hairy chest? BRET! Bret can do a split! We could have brought the real thunder!

The show will be judged by Australia’s Sister Bachelorettes and I did not know that Australia’s Bachelorette game was like this. They also had the first bisexual Bachelorette. We gotta get our eyes on Australia, and I need way more information on “Bachelorette sisters.”

Every guy has a sexy costume and comes up with their own alter ego. Dylan is a C-E-Make you O!. Marcus is astronaut Neil Real-strong. Thomas A is a snake charmer, and he is just carrying a snake in jeans. Sam M is “Chef Flustered” because he makes Jenn “flustered” and I want to break the spell he has over her! He whispers in her ear, “It’s not PG tonight.” Cast out this dark magic!! Devin is a dirty detective and he strips off his coat to reveal a thong and SHAKES HIS ASS!!! YESSS!!!!! This is the energy we want to see!! Again fellas, a soft body and a good sense of humor will get you very far. Sam M cannot comprehend that there is another source of tactical, sexual sorcery.

When it comes to Sam N’s performance, I just wrote in my notes: “The Love Virgin, Terrible choice.” Salmon decides to perform some spoken word with his robe on and tells Jenn that he’s already falling in love with her. Nope. Nope. Nuh Uh. Send him home NOW. Salmon also immediately goes into self-loathing about how pathetic he is and how everyone is judging him. Sir, you’re on The Bachelorette. You’re being judged by more people than you can possibly fathom. Anyone else get the feeling that Salmon’s move in life is to go to self-loathing to dodge consequences for his emotionally impulsive moves? I’ve dated the guy who texts you “Oh my god, I’m stupid. I’m so fucking stupid” when you confront him about commenting a tongue out emoji on baddies on Instagram’s bikini pics. Jonathan gets the trophy for best performance and everyone walks away trying to put what Salmon did out of their minds.

At the cocktail party, Devin takes Jenn aside first and talks to her about his insecurity about his body and growing up as a fat kid. I’m here for even the barest acknowledgment of body types other than “Thunder Down Under dancer,” but we should talk about them without implying that weight loss is the solution to that lack of confidence.

While Devin and the other guys are sitting down with Jenn, Sam M and Thomas are laughing about Salmon’s profession of love. Their skepticism isn’t unwarranted: Salmon keeps talking about how he doesn’t know what love is and saying he’s already falling in love is WEIRD, even for The Bachelorette. But snickering and saying, “What the fuck?” isn’t the way to go. Devin feels protective of Salmon and he’s clashed enough with Sam M and Thomas that he’s not afraid to call them out. Salmon tries to address the elephant in the room and starts by saying how pathetic he feels; Devin just calmly says, “That’s what you were feeling; it’s okay; let’s just have respect for each other and move on.” Then Sam M chimes in, and honestly, Devin and Sam M said “mutual respect” back and forth so many times I didn’t know what fucking point either of them was going to make.

Devin seems to be saying he doesn’t think anyone should be talking behind each other’s backs and that is a sign of mutual respect. Sam M thinks that no one should disagree with him or try to confront him when he talks about anyone behind their backs and that’s a sign of mutual respect. Devin wants peace. Sam M wants to be the big dog. Sam M also says that Devin is a bully and the writer of the chyrons labels him “Someone who needs to look up the definition of bully in the dictionary.”

Sam M takes Jenn aside and STRADDLES HER ON THE COUCH!!! THIS IS TOO MUCH!! THIS IS OVER THE TOP!! The only move he’s got is sex and I hope once Jenn finally hooks up with him, she’ll snap out of it. Fingers crossed. And it could be sooner than later because Devin gets the group date rose.

It’s time for the next group date of the week and it’s with four guys?? At a racetrack?? Sure. Hakeem, Jeremy, Aaron, and Austin are on the date, and Aaron is going in with some tension because his fighter pilot training dates have been set. That sounds like a fake reason a guy breaks up with you and is never seen again. Jenn is an adrenaline junkie, and she says she’s not a gal’s gal and she prefers sneakers. Ugh. Jenn. Please. There is no greater status in this world than being a girl with lots of girlfriends. I’m not here for all the “girl’s girl” discourse, but if you’re out here saying you’re not a “gal’s gal,” I am 65 percent more suspicious of you. Jenn, I want the best for you, and that means gabbing with the gals over margaritas and guac for the table.

Okay, this date. It’s a big ol’ whatever. Aaron is the only one who can drive stick and has done right-hand drive. So he gets some special time with Jenn. They have a race as the final portion of the date and Jeremy makes the incredibly hot decision to park the car on the track and make out with Jenn instead of winning. That’s the way to her heart. Austin ends up winning the race but she gives the group date rose to Jeremy. My favorite part of this date is anytime they film a talking head of Jenn, her lipstick is GONE. It’s smudged all over her face or completely wiped off. They didn’t even pretend to touch her up.

It’s time for the cocktail party and Aaron must pull Jenn aside to tell her that his rocket ship laser astronaut training has to start. Instead of just pulling her aside and letting her know that he has to leave to pursue his dreams, he decides to tell her in the vaguest way possible that some of the guys aren’t here for the right reasons AND some of them aren’t ready for an engagement. He says he’s not going to name names, and he’s not trying to scare her. Boo!! Tomato! Tomato! Tomato! This is just a man trying to secure his spot on Paradise by starting a storyline on his way out. Also … who is HE talking about? I would get it if Thomas said the same thing, he’d be talking about Devin but who is Aaron beefing with?

Jenn goes to the jentlemen and says that Aaron said there are traitors amongst the group and everyone needs to be ready to banish one player at the round table. Sam M just says, “I’m gonna keep the main thing the main thing,” and I’m one acre closer to reparations. Sam M also says that he can’t imagine that Jenn would be interested in him and Devin at the same time. There’s no way she could be interested in a man like that. A man like what? Medium cute and funny? That’s who every woman ends up marrying if she’s smart. They don’t marry the fuckboy with a catchphrase.

All the guys are bickering and fighting over who Aaron is talking about and how they all need time with Jenn. Spencer yells at everyone to SHUT THE FUCK UP and says SIMMER! Okay, this seventh-grade math teacher energy? I’m starting to see it.

Time for the rose ceremony.

Marcus, John M, Jonathan, Austin, Grant, Sam M, Thomas N, Dylan, and Sam N all get roses. Sam M says that Devin wants to be the big dog in the house and in the real world, he’d break Devin in half. JENN! Just bang his guy and get it out of your system!!