My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship but we aren’t having sex anymore
DEAR DEIDRE: LIVING with my partner and allowing each other to have sex with other people used to work well for us.
I have a friend who I see for regular sex hook-ups and my boyfriend also has a different partner.
I’m a big fan of open relationships and think they can keep your relationship fresh.
But now I think we both know if we aren’t careful, we could quite easily have an emotional affair.
In the last year sex with my partner has waned dramatically.
Whenever I bring up the issue he brushes it off.
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I feel so unwanted. I am 32 and my partner is 34.
We have been together for almost ten years but for more than half that time we’ve been non-monogamous.
The arrangement was working brilliantly, we’d have our own separate adventures, then come back together.
It was such a turn-on knowing we’d been intimate with different people.
But a big shift has come over the last couple of years. We have always enjoyed a party and both started to drink more heavily.
After a year of piling on weight I decided to kick the habit.
I’m back to drinking a couple of times a week now but my partner drinks most nights and it’s killing his libido.
I’ve started to develop feelings for my friend and I’m sure it’s because I am not getting any physical attention at home.
Please don’t say the open relationship is the problem.
It was working well, so how do I get our arrangement back on track?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: From what you’ve written, your open relationship isn’t the main issue, your partner’s drinking is.
If he is drinking heavily he might be depressed. Excessive alcohol can knock sex drive too.
Tell him you love him and want to make your relationship work but that you’re finding it upsetting that he’s not looking after himself.
If he is depressed or stressed, encourage him to see his GP.
My support packs Problem Drinker and Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive can help.
Whether you are in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, good communication is key.
It is unusual for a guy of your boyfriend’s age to want so little sex. He knows it is an issue but doesn’t want to talk about it.
Until he opens up, I’m afraid you won’t be able to solve this issue.