DoD bankrupt after Austin blows $300 billion at blackjack table
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Department of Defense has run out of funding after Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin blew roughly $300 billion at a Las Vegas blackjack table, sources confirmed today.
“This is not the time to cast judgment, because everyone makes mistakes,” said Maj. Gen. Patrick Ryder, a Pentagon spokesman. “The Department of Defense has come back from worst and we all need to just tighten our belts for a little bit and hold out for new funding.”
According to defense officials, a slightly irritated Austin was found at the Harry Reid International Airport in Las Vegas awaiting his 3 a.m. Frontier Airlines flight.
“Look me in the eye and tell me you’ve never thought it would be a good idea to split 10s,” the secretary remarked sternly. “Sometimes the best way to learn is to just jump off the deep end and figure it out, and I’m now a better man for it so it’s probably best we just move on and forget it ever happened."
When asked why he would use DOD funds instead of personal funds, he explained to reporters: “My credit card is a Citi card, so I accidentally used my [Government Travel Card] instead, a silly mistake that service members make all the time.”
Austin added: “I thought it seemed odd that my limit wasn’t being hit, but my friend told me to keep doubling down and I couldn't help it.”
According to Pentagon budget analyst Col. Brian Quinn, the misuse of funds was an honest mistake and the secretary is owning up to his mistakes and accepting the same punishment that all senior leaders receive for misuse of government funds.
“Secretary Austin is being placed on a payment plan of $50 a pay period until the balance is replenished,” Quinn stated. “Additionally, he will redo his DTS GTC 101 training upon his return; following the weekend of course.”
Meanwhile, the House Armed Services Committee immediately began drafting a temporary budget to carry the DOD throughout the rest of the fiscal year. The new budget will also include some much-needed military quality-of-life improvements, such as installing a few more Dr. Pepper machines at the Pentagon.
At press time, sources said that after Austin received the funds, he immediately lost them in a few poor NFT transactions that could’ve happened to anyone.