Terrified my partner will stray again because of our differing sex drives
DEAR DEIDRE: I’m scared my partner is going to cheat again because I don’t want sex as often as he does.
He’s told me he’s upset that I never initiate it, and that I’m not always in the mood.
Sometimes, I feel I should just go to bed with him to stop him from straying.
I’m 32 and he’s 34. We’ve been together for five years and have a two-year-old son.
Right at the start of our relationship, he was unfaithful to me. I forgave him, but then he cheated again when I was eight months pregnant.
Although I was devastated, I chose to stay with him for our baby’s sake.
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I don’t think he’s cheated since, and I’ve tried so very hard to rebuild my trust in him.
He’s also made a real effort to show he’s changed, and he does talk to me more.
But I still can’t relax. I know he gets annoyed when I’m too tired for sex.
And he keeps asking why I never make the first move.
The truth is, I need to feel special and loved – a deep connection – to feel sexy. I don’t always feel that.
He’d be happy with a quickie, or sex for sex’s sake.
I’m so anxious he’s going to find another woman to satisfy him if I can’t change. Please help.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You should never feel you have to have sex just to keep someone.
If your partner loves you, he won’t stray just because you’re not having as much sex as he’d like.
It sounds like you have a communication problem when it comes to sex.
Be honest with him and explain how you need to feel loved and special first. Perhaps the reason he wants you to initiate it so much is because he also wants to feel desired and wanted.
While men are more likely to experience spontaneous desire, women are much more likely to experience responsive desire in long term relationships, which is why you look for more cuddles, kisses and that deeper connection.
My support pack, Creating A Sexy Mood, should give you both tips.
Tell him your fear that he’ll cheat again, which is making you feel insecure. Let him reassure you.
It might help to read my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, together.