The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Push Comes to Shove

There are more people on the cast of the Real Housewives of New Jersey than there are residents of the state of New Jersey. I believe this to be true, but there is simply no way of knowing for sure. With seven Housewives, two Friends Of, a handful of glammed-up acquaintances clearly testing for a spot, and nine husbands/boyfriends/exes (not to mention all the children with names ending in vowels), our cup runneth over. Normally, I’d say the more the merrier, but this season feels so jam-packed that it’s testing my object permanence. I forgot that certain women are on this show unless they’re right there on my screen. Sometimes they’ll cut to a solo scene of Danielle Cabral at home and I’ll think I sat on my remote and accidentally switched to a Cake Boss rerun. But not only do we have to keep track of the hundreds of women on this program, we have to keep track of their rapidly shifting alliances. It’s tough work, but someone has to do it.

The episode begins at a Buddha-filled healing center called “Zentuary,” where Teresa nearly gets into a statue-measuring contest with the owner over who has more Buddhas. While she attempts a calming treatment with Jen and Dolores, the drama of last week’s party remains firmly planted in each of their minds. They waste no time telling Teresa that her brother threw away her card without opening it, an act that she quite frankly doesn’t seem to care about. She’s quick to clarify that the gift wasn’t an olive branch, but rather a gesture from Luis, not her. If anything, it feels like this is the best-case scenario for Teresa because it makes her look like the bigger person, so she’s borderline reveling in it.

It’s when the conversation turns to the “slob” text from Jackie heard ’round the world that things really get heated. Funnily enough, it’s at this “Zentuary” where it’s most apparent that these women are at war. No longer is this show even pretending to be about “a group of friends.” No, this show is about battle and strategic warfare. After Dolores recounts the text, warning that Jackie isn’t as nice as she seems, Teresa reveals her true intentions behind her strange new allyship with her. Who cares about Jackie, Teresa tells Dolores, adding, “I just need her to take down Margaret.” Normally, these types of calculated moves are made in silence, under the guise of pure intentions, but Teresa said the quiet part out loud. She is on a mission, and Jackie is a pawn. The three of them refer to her as the gatekeeper of Margaret’s arsenal, and they need to recruit her to leak The Marge’s secrets and take her down. The conversation feels like watching war generals plot a ground attack, so it’s fitting that Dolores happens to be wearing an army jacket for it.

Margaret, who just moments ago was described as “the root of all evil,” gets a pretty flattering scene in the midst of all this hubbub. Based on how everyone’s talking about her, you’d expect them to cut to her kicking a puppy or robbing a child’s lemonade stand — but instead, she visits Rachel after her daughter’s lip-tie surgery. Rachel says she thinks Margaret has “maternal energy,” which feels like code for “old,” in which case it seems like Margaret could have found her next target. The pair commiserate over medical issues, with Margaret sharing her own concerns about Joe’s health issues, which surely hits even harder so soon after losing her ex.

Speaking of relationships, Dolores and Paulie are working out at a gym called “Boy Elite Fitness” (what an episode for business names) in a scene that doesn’t make that relationship come off all that well. It seems like Dolores has found herself caught in a cycle. Between David and Paulie, she’s now been subjected to two men who won’t propose, which results in everybody berating her nonstop about that lack of commitment. Instead, her commitment from Paulie is this random joint business venture, which she has to pretend is good enough. As if the parallel to David weren’t already strong enough, at the gym we see Paulie snap at her when she mentions surgery — saying, “You take the surgery and I take the road” — showing that he’s just as unsupportive of her cosmetic surgery as David was. But nobody can tell Dolo what to do with her body, she assures us. And why should they? Look at her; clearly she’s a genius when it comes to selecting procedures!

The climax of the episode is fittingly Teresa’s risqué “Tipsy in Tulum” party, which kicks off with a misguided Gia saying that there’s no reason there should be any drama. It’s a remarkable statement from someone who grew up watching drama sprout up in far tamer places over the past 15 years, but I appreciate her optimism. I also appreciated seeing her greet Dolores, who famously was her partner at Jacqueline Laurita’s field day back in season four, as we all know.

When it comes to Jackie, Dolores has drawn a firm line, saying that there’s no love lost, and when Jackie wanders on over, the group scatters. But Teresa sees an opportunity to work on her master plan, and urges — even begs — Jackie to spill all of the dirt she has on Margaret in retaliation for the sent screenshot. She seems to consider it. But during this group hate-fest on Margaret, Jen Fessler (the future of this franchise) becomes uncomfortable given that she’s still friends with Margaret and excludes herself. If even the women themselves can’t keep track of where they all stand with one another, how can we be expected to?

When the time comes for Jackie and Dolores to sidebar, it feels like Jackie is left talking to a brick wall. A beautiful, terrifying brick wall. A brick wall that wants nothing to do with her, as it does not take too kindly to being called a slob.

Margaret sending that screenshot to Dolores last week was the equivalent of her tossing a grenade into the established cast dynamics — and no matter how we might feel about her, we can at the very least be grateful for the way it lit a fire under this season. Against all odds, it made Jackie one of the most interesting parts of the season, especially now that she’s been thrown into the lion’s den. But having almost been fired from the circus, she seems thrilled to even be in the lion’s den, no matter how shaky her footing might now be.

But that isn’t the only confrontation of the night, of course. We also have Danielle pulling Jen aside to address their beef about Danielle’s charity event. It’s old-school Housewives drama about step-and-repeats and charity donations. But to quote Dolores watching this play out from across the party, “They’re talking about that fucking fundraiser again. I don’t want no part of that shit.”

However, there’s apparently more to this feud than the fundraiser, and Jen brings up a call in which (according to her) Danielle sabotaged her own hairstylist’s photo shoot. Danielle, in her confessional, counters that she was calling Jen to explain what the shoot was for so that Jen’s hair people wouldn’t get mad at her for supporting the competition. At this point, why doesn’t Bravo just hire all of the hair people? The drama always seems to stem from them. It’s when Jen spins this allegedly innocent conversation into an attack that Danielle blows up in a cacophony of obscenities.

Then we arrive at the moment. “You’re a dirtbag,” Danielle tells her, at which point an otherwise calm Jen erupts, forcefully pushing her back and retorting, “You’re a fucking dirtbag.” Promptly, Danielle slams her drink against the side of Jen’s neck, at which everybody yelps and jumps in to stop things from getting worse. As Danielle leaves, she tells Bill Aydin, “Your wife’s a bitch … When you go to bed at night, you’re sleeping with the fucking devil,” bringing back fond memories of Marge’s famous “Your husband’s in the pool.” Meanwhile, Jen delivers a haunting, “Tastes good, baby doll,” as she licks Danielle’s drink from her lips. Many will litigate who was right or wrong here, but not me. I value my own physical safety too much to do that, and secondly, “right or wrong” has no place on the Real Housewives of New Jersey. That would be like watching a UFC match and debating who started it.

These women all hate each other. They’re not just at war, they’re at nuclear war, and in their determination to destroy one another, they will destroy the entire show. Nothing as we know it will be left standing — but at least we, and the show, seem to all know that that’s what we’re watching. After nearly a hundred seasons of Housewives, in which we’re meant to watch resilient relationships recover and reset over and over — this season is answering the question: “What if we just let it all burn to the ground?”