Trump sentenced to staff duty over 4-day weekend
By Jeffrey Sowa
FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Former President Donald Trump has been sentenced to work a Friday staff duty during the Juneteenth four-day weekend, sources confirmed today.
The 45th president will serve the sentence following his high-profile New York felony trial, where he was convicted of 34 felonies.
“This is an absolute disgrace and totally bogus,” Trump said ahead of his staff duty posting at the 82nd Airborne Division. “I’m completely innocent and everyone knows it and frankly this is a real shame.”
According to campaign officials, Trump had hoped to avoid the Juneteenth federal holiday weekend, since the staff duty sentencing would interfere with the former president’s recognition of the holiday’s significance.
“Folks, let me tell you, the African American community is very important to me and people tell me that I’m the second African American President, it’s true,” Trump discreetly texted a reporter from his staff duty desk. “So many plans this Juneteenth, so many important events that I will miss because of sleepy Joe and the low IQ and corrupt legal system, sad.”
According to sources familiar with the matter, Trump was reprimanded by staff duty NCO Staff Sgt. Miguel Sanchez after failing to properly follow staff duty telephone procedures and injecting campaign messaging into his calls.
“It’s me your favorite staff duty runner,” Trump said into the phone. “I’m here with our wonderful military, we love our military don’t we folks? Big, strong, and glorious military so many other countries have a military and many are lovely but not as nice as ours.”
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At one point, Trump was sent to the motor pool to await the return of a company of soldiers from a night-time training exercise, where he was able to speak with young service members.
“Wow look at you all! Fast and strong you all are and oh so very beautiful,” Trump said of the soldiers returning from the field amid the four-day weekend.
During the same shift, Capt. Brandon Muehl inspected the staff duty area and much to the former president’s dismay found his mopping of the foyer to be insufficient.
“Brandon is a very dumb man and not smart at all,” the former President complained. “You know, mopping a floor, it's very important. People don't realize it, but it's true. A clean floor is essential, just like a clean country. You want to make sure everything is spotless, right? You take the mop; you move it back and forth. It’s a tremendous thing, really.
According to a senior defense official, Trump is now facing new charges after it was discovered that he attempted to pay another soldier to cover his shift with a $60 bribe and two trips to McDonalds.