The Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Playing Hardball

It’s time for my favorite annual Real Housewives event, Dolores’s charity softball game where the whole cast gets together, puts their blood feuds aside for one day, and plays against the doctors and nurses of Maimonides Medical Center to raise money for breast cancer treatments. But those blood feuds, they didn’t really set them aside this year. This show has become all about teams, all about sides. Why not tell the doctors and nurses to sit this one out and have Team Teresa take on Team Melissa with Dolo serving as the umpire. That’s what we get on the show anyway, but at least this way Luis and Joe Gorga would be motivated to really whack the crap out of that ball.

Before we can even get to the game, Rachel sits down with Jenf to talk about the single, solitary conversation that Jenf had with Teresa that sent their strangely intimate friendship into a tailspin. Jenf, wearing a denim jumpsuit from the Eileen Davidson collection, doesn’t understand why Rachel is upset. I understand why Rachel is mad on an intellectual level — because Jenf is talking to Teresa, who did horrible things to Rachel and her husband — but certainly not on an emotional level. Their friendship seems strangely intense in a way that we haven’t really clocked as viewers so it’s hard to believe that Rachel felt such a betrayal that she’s crying in a strip mall coffee shop.

Jenf says she thought her conversation with Teresa was a victory because she could advocate for Rachel and John. I didn’t really see that happening either, but it’s nice for Jenf to attempt it. The conversation over delicious-looking French toast bites wraps up with Rachel saying that Jenf should remove herself from the situation between the Fudas and the Ruelases, which seems like an excellent idea. What I don’t understand is that Rachel keeps saying she doesn’t care who Jenf is friends with but, as Jenf tells us, she really does care. Then say it! Let it be known: “You can’t be friends with me if you’re friends with Teresa.” Just make it plain, stop trying to manipulate Jenf into doing what you want her to do.

Rachel is not attending Jen Aydin’s party for her dog Biscuit’s first birthday. I love all the stupid pretenses for events that the Housewives have, but nothing tickles me more than a pet birthday. The only thing better is a pet wedding, and I don’t see why they couldn’t have gotten one of Dolores’s 10 dogs to marry Biscuit. Half of Dolores’s dogs are named after foods anyway — Chicken, Bagel, Potato, Banana — those all sound like great combos. I fucking love fried chicken on a biscuit so I definitely support this union both spiritually and culinarily.

Teresa brings not only her dog Bella but also her daughter Gia, who has been going out with the same guy for five years and thinks she might be getting engaged soon. Then she drops the biggest bomb of the whole episode: her boyfriend works for Luis. Oh, no no no no no no no no no no. This is a bad idea. This is the worst idea. This is an idea even worse than an eject button in a helicopter or inviting Olivia Wilde to Florence Pugh’s birthday party. Even if this ends in the best possible scenario it is still going to be terrible. No one can even tell us what Luis’s business is. Do we think Gia’s intended can? Can he answer questions? ’Cause if he can’t answer ours, I have a feeling he might be answering the Feds’ questions in short order.

Anyway, at the party, someone asks Jen why Danielle isn’t there and Jen says, “She’s in the Dominican, but my friend Lina is here. Take it away, Lina!” She then cues up Lina telling a story about Danielle being rude to her. The gist is that Danielle held a charity event and Lina, a friend of the ladies who also does their hair, prepped Danielle for the event. At the afterparty, Lina didn’t have a VIP bracelet so Danielle had her thrown out of the VIP section. And after she did her hair! The horror! The humanity!

Yes, this sounds a little shitty, but like the kind of diva fit that nearly any of these women could pull at any minute (minus Dolores, who would never). But the question is why Jen is bringing this up on camera and inviting Lina to do it because, as she tells us, she didn’t want it coming from her. This is the dirtiest kind of pool, where Jen wants it on camera but also wants to distance herself from it. “Well, I’m not the one who said it,” Jen will rationalize later when it inevitably gets back to Danielle that the story was told. The irony is, this is the exact same game Jen played with Danielle last season about the cheating rumors with Melissa that Danielle is mad about.

My favorite part of the dog party, however, is when Jen says that she invited Margaret. Teresa says, “Which dog was Joe Benigno going to bring, Margaret or his real dog.” This pre-written dig fell flatter than Gia Giudice’s singing on her famous track. This is what I can’t stand about Teresa. Both Melissa and Marge have said on camera they don’t want to talk about Teresa and haven’t really said anything about her, but here is Teresa lobbing the lamest of insults at the two of them every chance she gets, dragging this whole enterprise down to her level. If there is a low road Teresa will choose it every time, but will also get herself a cartoonish boring vehicle with a giant conical screw at the front to tunnel right underneath that low road. It’s a race to the center of the earth with this one.

Then they’re talking about whether Luis and John Fuda will be able to coexist at the softball game, and they recommend that the guys talk at the game. Gia says she doesn’t want people getting up in their business while they talk so they collectively agree the guys can have a bit of time alone in the locker room to hash it out. Um, isn’t this what John Fuda proposed they do at Jenf’s surprise party and Luis was so scared that he invented a business meeting in Florida to get out of it? Now that it’s Teresa’s idea she thinks it’s brilliant.

When Teresa brings this up to Luis he says that the only conversation that he and John can have is one where someone apologizes (Luis does not make it clear who) and they shake hands and move on. Um, this is insane. He thinks they’re just going to get over their issues? He thinks he’s not going to have to explain his actions or take accountability for them? By setting up this framework that is definitely not going to happen he’s already declared himself the victor in his own mind, so when John wants to actually express himself Luis can say he broke this unspoken contract and look like the good guy. Then Luis says, “I don’t start fights, but I’ll finish this one.” Oh Jesus. This red-faced taint sniffer. I can’t. He’s so horrible. Looking at his face is like looking at a Ouija board made of scabs and animosity and the only future that you see is one of absolute destruction.

Now it’s time for the softball game and John and Luis never have their talk, which is for the best. There are all sorts of other fights to clock, though. Marge is pissed at Jackie because Jackie sent her book to Jenf and some others but hasn’t sent it to Marge. She’s also pissed that Jackie hasn’t been checking up on her enough during the anniversary of her ex-husband’s death. These are the dumbest and pettiest claims in Housewives history and it seems like Marge just wants to be mad that Jackie is friends with Teresa and Jen now. That is totally valid to be mad about, but then Marge should just say it. Instead she rails at Jackie, “I’ve never met anyone as self-centered as you, it’s a disgrace,” but she’s only talking about Jackie’s book that she doesn’t even really want to read. It’s overkill. Then Marge goes after Jenf saying, “This is who you want to associate with.”

We all know that I hate Teresa with the fire of a million-billion suns, but #TeamMelissa is really starting to lose me. First Rachel starts this silly thing with Jenf over nothing and now Marge is tearing everyone new assholes like she’s getting commissions from the National Association of Proctologists. They have absolutely no chill and it’s getting on my nerves. The only one who can still manage some comportment is Melissa, who approaches Jen Aydin to say that the two of them should have an honest discussion about where they stand, even if it’s just to say they hate each other’s guts. This is the only mature thing to happen this entire hour and I look forward to the talk going spectacularly wrong in the best possible way. That could be the only good thing to come out of this day. Well, that and the $200,000 that Bravo fans raised for breast cancer. Sometimes it’s nice to do a little bit of charity, even if it means buying tickets for a seat close to the pettiest drama in Andy Cohen’s dark universe.