Experts agree: ‘The Sound of Freedom’ is actually tinnitus
SAINT PAUL, Minn. — Experts at an ear protection symposium held at 3M’s corporate headquarters last week unanimously agreed “The Sound of Freedom” is tinnitus, sources confirm.
Chairman and chief executive officer Mike Roman used his keynote speech to introduce the experts behind an explosive 3M-funded report titled, “No More Hearsay: Tinnitus Is Patriotism And Vice Versa.”
Local KSTP-TV reporter Renée Swanson quoted Roman as saying, “It got wild when our experts discovered Russian soldiers are issued worse ear protection than what 3M produces. This means Russkies hear more sounds of freedom than we do. We must not allow an earpro gap.”
“I said, we must not allow an earpro gap,” Roman told members of the audience who shouted at him to speak up.
After the bombshell keynote speech, 3M’s experts unveiled a prototype Rotating Oscillator Headset. “Think of it as noise-canceling headphones for imaginary sounds,” said lead scientist Justin Hammer. “You adjust these ‘microvibrators’ when you hear a ringing in your ears.” He pointed to three dizzy test subjects as proof of the product’s veracity.
“The urge to puke goes away when your equilibrium adjusts to the headset,” Hammer assured the audience.
Vendor booths were abuzz at the symposium with excitement at a fever pitch over the latest tech for hearing aids, soundproof rooms, and, “Military grade in-ear amplifiers that stream GWOT-era heavy metal over Bluetooth,” one salesman told jumpmasters via Army hand signals. “If Drowning Pool isn’t the sound of freedom, then I don’t know what is.”
A booth for DoD’s Health Agency Hearing Center of Excellence was humming with visitors who received antique ear trumpets originally made for men who worked in mine blasting. “It’s the least 3M can do for our service members,” HCE Prevention Section Chief Dr. Theresa Schulz flashed in American Sign Language.
Attendees at the symposium expressed booming praise for its content. “I didn’t catch all of what the speakers were saying,” said one Air Force jet mechanic, “but now I’ll sleep every night enjoying the sound of freedom.” A cadre of Marine Corps artillerymen gave the “message acknowledged” hand signal when Swanson asked three times for their #1 takeaway.
Sadly, officials canceled the last day of the symposium after complaints of microphones that failed intermittently, loudspeakers that squealed high frequencies, and attendees who violated 3M’s strict “No Oscillating Fingers In Ears” policy.
We say again, Robin Berger is a retired Air Force NCO who shops at the commissary every month as required by law.