Ask Amy: I’ve accepted my incurable cancer diagnosis, but I don’t want it to define me
Dear Amy: I’m a 57-year-old man.
I was recently diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer.
I am obviously not overjoyed, but I am totally accepting of this news. Living with — not dying of — cancer means a few lifestyle changes and the need to be more aware of things.
My cancer is not curable, but it is treatable; similar to many other illnesses.
I have a large circle of family, friends, and acquaintances who have been supportive of me during my life.
I have chosen to share my diagnosis with only a few of them.
While I’m OK with my cancer, I know it isn’t going to be well received by most people, and so that’s why I’ve decided to keep it private.
I hate seeing people I care about being in pain and/or distressed and knowing the knowledge of my illness will cause this in turn causes me much more pain and distress than the cancer ever will.
These folks would definitely step up and help in whatever way they can.
I know that after I pass and the news of the cancer becomes known, many of my friends will be blaming themselves for not noticing “the signs,” and will feel awful for that as well.
I don’t want people to fawn over me and treat me differently, but I feel guilty about keeping this a secret.
I’m not sure what I’m asking you for, but I’m at a loss about what I should do.
Thanks for being here.
— Accepting my Diagnosis
Dear Accepting: I’m impressed by your equanimity regarding your diagnosis, but I think you’re also getting a little ahead of yourself.
It is natural to see your future in a telescoped way right now, and you seem to be focused on anticipating not only your ongoing feelings, but the feelings and reactions of others.
But people are complicated, and feelings (including yours) change through time.
You should anticipate that the news of your diagnosis could leak out, and if so, other people will react across a spectrum. Some will be worried, some helpful, and some people will mean well, but be downright annoying.
I highly recommend that you connect with other men who have prostate cancer, meeting both in-person (if possible), and virtually. Your treatment center will have information about local groups.
Oftentimes it is strangers who can step up with great understanding and pointed advice and support. The American Cancer Society’s cancer survivor network hosts active, informative, and supportive discussion boards for men with prostate cancer. (Check csn.cancer.org.)
In addition to reviewing your treatment options with other men who are going through this, they can communicate about how aspects of your diagnosis and prognosis will affect your life and relationships.
Dear Amy: My wife and I agreed years ago to supplement my father-in-law financially after my wife’s mom passed away.
We have been sending him money each month.
He has gotten remarried.
We have continued to support him financially, however, now I am wondering if his second wife has any right to expect continued support after his death?
Is there a solution?
I’d like to continue to support him, but his wife as she is almost my age and supporting her would be an extremely long-term commitment.
My wife and I are trying to be good people, but we don’t know what to do.
Your thoughts?
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: This is a great question.
The quick answer is that after your wife’s father dies, strictly speaking, you and your wife are no longer related to his widow and therefore you don’t have an obligation to her.
However, there are many factors you should consider, including your own resources, her resources, your desire to possibly support other family members, your father-in-law’s estate planning, and — frankly — how you feel about the woman he married over time.
If your father-in-law has a long and lingering illness and his younger wife is devoted to him, then you might want to repay her kindness after his passing.
But does she have the right to expect your ongoing financial support? In my opinion, no.
Dear Amy: You’re so naïve. You recently stated that wedding invitations are “bids for connection.” What they are is bids for loot!
It’s called a “gift grab,” girl!
— Over It
Dear Over It: The average cost of a wedding in the U.S. is around $35,000. The recommended amount to spend on a wedding gift is between $75 and $200.
Throwing a wedding in order to receive gifts is a tough way to make a living.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)