“It happened again”

So, this season’s Champions League final will take place between Borussia Dortmund and Real Madrid, after a late flourish from the Spanish side at the Bernebeu last night.

Alphonso Davies had put Bayern ahead in the second half with a really good goal with his right foot. It was one of those where as a defender you have to show the player onto his ‘weak’ foot, but you don’t expect him to produce a finish like that with it. A genuinely brilliant goal.

Madrid thought they’d equalised but it was rightly ruled out due to a foul by Nacho, and as the game entered the final few minutes, Thomas Tuchel took off Harry Kane and decided to dig in for the 1-0. Ooopsie.

I don’t suppose he could have legislated for a mistake like that from Manuel Neuer. The keeper had made a couple of saves – one in particular was absolutely outstanding – but he fumbled a shot, allowing substitute Joselu to poke it home for 1-1. Here’s Sid Lowe’s description of him, by the way: “The former Stoke and Newcastle striker Joselu, on loan from Espanyol of the second division.”

Football really is ridiculous. The fact he scored a second a few minutes later made it even more so. It was disallowed at first but VAR showed he was clearly behind the ball when it was played across, and it was 2-1 to Real Madrid. Even if you don’t believe in such things, it’s impossible not to think they have some powerful Champions League Juju. What they do in this competition is extraordinary.

As for the late goal, the linesman shouldn’t have put his flag up, but he did and the ref whistled, and maybe it wouldn’t have been a goal if the keeper had attempted to make a save. But he didn’t, the ball went in, and Thomas Tuchel was upset. Oh well. I thought to myself, ‘That serves you right’, no man with the kind of resources he has should have hair like that.

I know people will be feeling sorry for Neuer, but I thought to myself, ‘That serves you right too’, for getting away with taking down Bukayo Saka in the first leg of the quarter-final and not conceding a penalty. I mean, I know it wasn’t his decision, more a failure of the officiating on the night, but still.

And then there’s Harry Kane. I thought to myself ‘That serves you especially right’ for elbowing Gabriel in the throat in the first leg and only getting a yellow card. Sure, like the Neuer thing it’s more on the ref than the player who committed the foul, but the fates were watching and they took their revenge for your long history of snide violence. Not to mention a man with terrible hair took you off the pitch so you couldn’t even try and influence the game when Madrid got back into it, and the ref played about 20 minutes of added time.

It’s been quite the season for him. A very Harry Kane season, you’d have to say. He scored a load of goals, not a single one of which mattered even a little bit as Bayern went trophy-less for the first time in a trillion years. I wonder what could have happened?! That’s right, Kane brought with him from London to Germany traces of Tottenhamium, the world’s most toxic and destructive element that sees success, and despite the fact it doesn’t want to do it, can’t go against it’s own nature and poisons it to death. It look like it’s not going to happen, but it always does.

Some say it came from a crap asteroid that landed in a swamp and contaminated the very earth on which their stadium is built. It is so fundamental it is now part of their DNA, and scientists have examined the molecular structure of it to see a double helix but with a tiny little glowing turd in there too. It is so powerful its malignancy can impact the most powerful of institutions, and the greatest thing Arsene Wenger ever did was to rid Sol Campbell of it before he joined Arsenal. To this day he won’t say how he did it, but it can only have been a deal with the devil himself, pledging his eternal soul to the dark lord. But it will have been worth it. Arsene can suffer in Hades for all eternity, but he’ll be whistling a jaunty tune about winning the league at White Hart Lane all the while.

So, to summarise, Kane’s season will see him go without the Bundesliga, without the German Cup, without the Champions League, but he will get a lovely award for being top scorer for the season in Germany: a large cannon.

Football is hilarious. Afterwards, Carlo Ancelotti said, “It happened again.”

Oh my, it sure did. Just ask Harry.

Till tomorrow.

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